Cold

My parents got into a huge fight, and now what seemed like a marriage repairing itself is a few days from dissolving. I almost relapsed into cutting and don’t know how long I can hold off. I called w friend just to help me keep my mind on something and told him what happened. We talked for an hour or so, and by the time I hung up I was able to go back to bed. Not sleep, but to bed. When talking to my friend I couldn’t help but realize how distant I am from everyone. And how alone I’ve been, and make myself. To be honest I never got that cheesy “love” cringe that 30 year old well to do’s who share cat memes on the internet like it’s 2007 ramble on about; I actually hated it, if you can tell. But having had this gap in me for this long now, I think I know what I should feel but don’t. I can’t talk to anyone in my life. I used to be able to but I just disconnected from everyone, and now I just don’t see the point in trying. Among other things it made me realize, as the rest of  my age demographic I knew of coupled up, and had been for some time. Sometimes I think that maybe I’m just too far gone; I don’t approach anyone because I know the relationship would be meaningless, instead of out of fear. I wish that there was someone, even somewhat similar to me, who i could be sincere to, and vice versa. But everyone is on one side of the fence, and I’m one the other, alone. I can’t get jokes or songs, or shows or movies, or even my friends’ recounting their stories. Everything is gray, I want to shred my arm, my parents’ relationship might just be over, and I’m behind the curve in the race for a job out of college. I’m beginning to look favorably on the idea of a CO sleepover in my car again. But who really cares, right?