I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m so so lost. I bounce between feeling numb and incredibly sad. But when I’m around people, which is only when I’m at work, I can act so happy and chipper that sometimes I wonder if I’m actually not depressed at all.
But then I go home and I’m alone again and I can’t sleep and I really really want to kill myself. And I have these weird dreams that remind me that nothing is okay. I want to kill myself. I desperately need to. I don’t know what’s beyond life but I know I shouldn’t be here.
Im so sad right now. I’m supposed to go back to college in a week but no one knows I failed a couple classes, I actually didn’t even check my grades. I haven’t gotten a dorm room or signed up for classes. I’m so fucked and I fucking hate myself I’m so fucking pathetic. What the fuck am I doing with my fucking life. I’m actually wasting it.
I’ve been like this for years. I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I’m so lost. I’m so lost. I should never have been here.
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I’ve thought about it a lot. It would make the most sense for me to do it, I had to sit down and think about it. I didn’t just want to do it because I’m in a rough patch. I’m 22 years old and I’ve always been unhappy. And after a while I tried, I really tried, I set up a system to try and be happy. I read articles and did research on how to make myself better. I would talk to myself and write to myself, saying good things, I was forgiving and patient. But that was at a point where I was tipping into the deep end. Those talks and the things I would write for myself turned pretty dark. I’m sorry for what I did to this person. I really am she wasn’t like evil, sometimes I’m not sure if she deserved this. But I can’t let myself go on much longer.
I’m so fucking mad at myself.
it’s okay no one has to listen to me. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It okay.
I fucking hate myself what the fuck am I talking about. Is this why everyone hates me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I am. Sometimes I can’t stop. I’m sorry if this is annoying. It’s a lack of sleep and a lack of whatever the fuck is missing from my brain or my personality or whatever the fuck that keeps me talking like this sometimes.
Hey what happens if we go on those crisis chat links that they have at the bottom of the page? Or that text link? They wouldn’t like, call the cops or something would they?
Why did the put stars for the word chat
Haha whattttt, that’s so odd.
Is c h a t a bad word or what
Oh and btw, the censor the word ch.at because an associate of mine used post links to ch.at rooms here, and the administration did not like it. However today is your lucky day, if you click my name then you can be directed to the ch.at that admins here hate so much.
Shweeeeeeeet, thank you my friend for explaining that
The first two paragraphs are like I’ve written them. I feel that exact way and I know when the time comes the people I work with will be shocked and say they didn’t even think I was depressed because I’m so different at work
Seriously! Everyone comments on how happy I am, it’s like my “thing” to be all happy all the time. I hold it together pretty well. I only had two instances where I was kind of crying at work, or just trying really hard not to. But no one even noticed.
Okay I sound so retarded right now. I’m not usually like this and I apologize. Sometimes it just happens I’m sorry.
Have you seen that show “13 reasons why”? If so you should take a page from that girl’s book except do it for the people on suicideproject. Leave us 13 posts on some long forgotten forum, and make it a nasty revenge story. That would be a good way to spend the rest of my days off work I have right now.
Seriously though, get to a therapist, psychiatrist, whatever you think would be better for you. If you leave this pathological dichotomy between suicidal alone time and fake face to face time the suicidal tendencies could take over. Try baby steps if you can, but try to be proactive, even posting here is something so pat your ass on the back.
Haha I dunno if I would have the energy to add that much detail to my stories though.
But thank you. I’ve slept and I’m feeling more normal today. You’re right though, the split between me in public and in private is pretty severe. And thank you, I’ve tried baby steps, I do think they’re really important and maybe could save some people.