This is my first time on this site. I’ve been feeling very hopeless lately and it seems I’ve stopped communicating my feelings to those around me. Sometimes I’m worried it’s because I’ve already given up, but I haven’t. Mental health is so hard to understand. I decided to start posting on here because I want to find people who truly understand what I’m going through. So below you’ll find a short introduction about me.
My name is Alexis, some call me lex. It is August 3rd 2017 today and I’m 20 years old. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I believe I have other underlying issues too but we all know the health system is useless when dealing with mental health. I’ve been on lots of medication and am currently on prozac as well as other pills for psychosis. I have 3 sisters whom all battle or have battled different types of mental illnesses. My dad also struggles with a few mental illnesses(I don’t think it is my place to share what those are to the world). I currently live with my dad(new situation I will write about soon). Im in the middle of finishing my engineering diploma but like anyone struggling with mental health I find it very hard sometimes to attend school and be in that atmosphere. I have a dog named Lily, a boyfriend named Steve, and two incredible friends named Lily and Ashley; who I love all to bits. And can’t forget my momma Brenda, my dad Peter, my little sister Kassidy, my older sister Amanda, and my oldest sister Katrina(who’s currently expecting). I guess that covers the basics.
This is a big step to me in coming so public about this even though I am somewhat anonymous still. But if I do let those dark thoughts win someday I want people to understand what was happening in my head, those things I couldn’t say in person or put into words until now. On here.
13 comments
Welcome to the site 🙂
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I just want to tell you there is hope, and the thing about depression is you’re blind to that hope while you’re in it. It’s only something you can believe in once you come out the other side. At least that’s my experience.
I pretty much agree with your diagnosis of the mental healthy system. I’m personally against medication, both from personal experience and what I have read. I believe it worsens people’s lives rather than improving them.
I think it’s really cool that you’re studying engineering (I would love to know something like that), and even if it can be hard, that’s okay, just do it your way.
It sounds like you’re surrounded by good people (and a pet). Awesome. I hope you can find the courage to share more of your inner life with them – because I think that while online communities are great, nothing beats face-to-face.
It’s brave of you to open up here, and I just want to say I’m personally rooting for you, because I think you seem wonderful, and I think your presence makes the world a better place.
Take care, and I hope you get something good from this site.
Alexis,
Be careful with taking medication. Happy pills don’t solve problems. Really think about why you feel the way you do.
I feel like depression is just when you become realistic about life. Some people can go through it distracting themselves with fleeting pleasures, but others can’t. They sometimes don’t even want to put the effort to keep going. If you want to live, a stable life, then you must confront that darkness, and accept the absurdity of it. Our lives are totally absurd, hun, like we are a part of the universe, aware in these flesh bodies, on a rock, going around a minor sun, somewhere in the observable universe where there are billions of other galaxies.
Like what even is the point of all this?
Well, I don’t think there really is one, but we can create subjective meaning
“Happy pills don’t solve problems.” So true. There are way better ways.
There is a point, but the point is lost in the haze of confusion human minds experience when exposed to the insane complexity of everything existing at once in the same universe. Like, I can’t even fathom black holes. That’s just too much weirdness for me. But they do answer a question. Can the universe create a stellar mass so dense that gravity itself collapses around it? Yes, yes it can.
The dark thoughts, I am unfortunately familiar with them. They come and go. I am glad that you posted–welcome!! Things that keep the dark thoughts away for me: Hiking ( or walking ) my dog, going to the gym, thinking what I am grateful for , thinking of lottery numbers to play and playing them, talking to God or my Spirit Guides, and trying to keep hope alive. This is just my personal opinion, but I hope that it may help your in some way.
Best of luck, and hang in there!!
You have spirit guides? I have a friend who tells me they are real, but I was always skeptical. Never got any mystical experience
Welcome Alexis. Sounds like satisfactory mental health is going to be a challenge and that is something most of us can appreciate around here. May I ask what kind of engineering you are studying?
I never understood people who have someone else but yet are depressed? How can someone who is in love be depressed?
Seems like you have a good support system,
OP is probably better able to answer this than me, but I would say that a) you quickly get used to new things. After owning a sports car for a year, I’m sure you’d take it more for granted compared to when you were forking out the money for it.
And b) it’s not so much about your relationship status as the quality of your relationships. Would you be surprised if someone with 1,000 friends on Fb killed themselves? If all those friends were superficial acquaintances they rarely spoke with? People can be lonely in relationship. Hence divorces and breakups. Or just rough patches.
Lots & lots to say
but number [1]
Alexis you are so so prettyyyyyy <3 <3 <3
Your last paragraph is basically the reason I leave little pieces of evidence.. they already knew but didn’t believe the seriousness of it all.
Not my parents, not the counselors, not the psychologists…
Hopefully you do well with the engineering diploma. I wish you luck. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle it. At least not the way I am now. I was going to go into env. engineering after highschool but then my life turned upside down so that idea got crushed.
Prolonged depression shrinks parts of the brain dealing with memory and emotions and its been five years. I don’t have it in me anymore so I am just doing an easier degree that hopefully leaves my okay in the market.
Alexis same here same here. I appreciate that you came out like that great introduction I wish you luck in life hope you finish school and that you relationship with your family, bf, & friends keep up positive
Was it your last post as well? I fall in love with your honesty and then with your smile lol