I am attempting to turn my life around again, but it’s rather difficult when you perform a consistent routine of abuse to oneself. I feel sick because I know I only have a limited amount of time before I have to get back to work. If you’re curious as to the specific sort of abuse I put my body through, then guess, it’s the most stereotypical kinda abuse. Yes that’s correct, I am yet another deplorable drug addict struggling to hide an addiction, while maintaining some fraudulent life. I am currently on a long break from work, nothing to do with and kinda medical leave, my workplace is replacing antiquated parts with more modern equipment.
Anyway, lets get back to the dilemma I am facing. I have successfully gotten myself off of one heavy highly addictive drug. and traded it for a less addictive extremely effect anti-anxiety medication. I know I won’t have any issues kicking the anxiety medication because it takes months of dabbling in these substances to have any substantial addiction problems.
Honestly the reason why I am posting is because what is supposed to happen when I have to go into work sober again? I have the time to recover, but definitely not to the extent that I wished to recover. I have no sick time left, and because of this sham shut down of my work facility they took 80 hours of my vacation. I am just terrified of the anxiety I am going to face. I am terrified of the cravings. I am terrified of my emotional instability. It is all just so intimidating.
I guess the over all purpose of this post is to finally put into words my biggest fears that have been endlessly circulating my mind to the point of a maddening oblivion.
There is so much more though. My hygiene, my home, my pet, a sudden flea infestation, and so on, the work stress and the anxiety of returning gives me anxiety, but fuck’s sake everything is getting to me and I don’t know how well i can persevere through it all.
Lastly on top of it all, I’ve got the falling out with my best friend. I mean we seem really cool now, but I miss what we had. I miss how breezy and jovial our interactions were. Somehow I feel like that part of i’ve lost somewhere along the, as if it’s dead. I just know other people are getting the best happiest funny version of her. and because of somethings that’s happened along the way during out relationship I will never have that back. It crushes me.