I’m back at the bottom. I won’t pick myself up this time. It’s pointless. I tried hanging before, but I just can’t do it. So I’m going back to a previous plan of mine that will take a bit more time and planning.
I started the process today, and it will be finished within the next few weeks. I’m quite calm now, I have decided, but I’m also sad because of the things I will never experience. I won’t see my son get married, I will never hold a grandchild of mine. I will leave behind the only man who ever loved me in a genuine way.
But im also relieved, because my pain and bottomless sadness will eventually end, and there will instead be sweet nothingness. I’ve been depressed and on-off suicidal for 38 years. I’ve been trying so hard to beat this and get better, and (much more difficult) stay better. I can’t. Death is the only way for me to find peace.
12 comments
You have everything to live for.
What causes you to want to finish your life?
I have been through two abusive marriages, giving me PTSD, and my upbringing was marred by emotional neglect and bullying. I’ve been through enough shit for three lifetimes. Even my psychologist acknowledges that she understands why to someone with my life history of trauma and abuse death looks more appealing than life – the only difference of opinion we have is that she still thinks I’m strong enough to come out on top.
I am on 6 medications right now, I’ve tried countless combinations of meds, I’ve been in hospital 7 times, long stays too, not just s few days but usually around 2 months each stay. I’ve had ECT and DBT and CBT and art therapy, and every other type of therapy under the sun, and I’ve been seeing a wonderful and very talented and kind and passionate psychologist for many years.
I’ve tried, I’ve really tried.
The pain keeps coming back and I am no longer willing to fight back. Like a cancer patient after the cancer has come back for the forth or fifth or tenth time, I’ve decided to just let this illness run its course and take my life.
Sorry to hear that,
Does you spouse knows about that?
Have you tried talking to him?
What do you plan on doing?
I really hope your son is not a child… How would he understand this?
I’m asking this out of pure curiosity, not trying to suggest a treatment or anything, but what kept you hanging on this long? 38 years is a long time to stay alive when you don’t want to. I always assumed if I fought off depression long enough, eventually I’d get used to it. Sort of like dealing with a handicap. So how did you hang on so long, and what changed?
My two sons are adults now, that’s what’s changed, and that’s one reason why I held on for so long. They both have moved out, and are making their own independent lives.
Their father, my first husband, chose to completely disappear from their lives after we split (apart from being a psychopath), so there was literally no one for them but me. My family are all back in Europe, I’m in Australia.
Leaving them orphaned was never an option, that’s why I went to hospital so often (always voluntarily ).
My partner knows I’m depressed and suicidal, he’s been very supportive in that regard. But he does not yet know that I’ve made a decision. Im not sure I can tell him. Ideally I want to, hoping that he’d understand and let me go, so I can say goodbye, and be honest with him. But he may also react by intervening and forcing me into hospital, which is the last thing I want.
Lastly (and sorry for the slow response, I was asleep, it’s the middle of the night here), I will use ******** and a hood.
Having regrets about a possible future you may be missing out on sounds like another torment to add to your list.
Only you know what the best course of action is for you – a lonely decision. I hope, if you do share your thoughts with your partner, he is understanding and doesn’t try an intervention. May I say, I think you are fortunate having a supportive partner in your life .
Missing out on some future joys is only a mild regret, not a torment. After all I won’t exist, so it’s not as if I will continue to feel sad about missing out.
What does torment me though is the effect on my loved ones, and while I won’t be there to see it, it will be real and devastating and enduring.
I will try and carefully sound out how my partner feels about this. You are right, I am lucky to have him, but the flip-side of it is, that given that I have a loving partner, and my life by and large now is good, but I am still deeply depressed, not all the time but often enough to be crippling, there is not even the hope that the depression will get better once my life gets better. My life is already good, it’s just my soul that’s broken.
Regret is a thought that came up earlier for me. I have briefly thought about regret but like you, in the end it’s not an issue.
I can only imagine the effect on loved ones. That is what keeps some here. For me that would probably be a deal breaker and I would feel compelled to stay.
Your mention of a broken soul resonates with me. That is how I describe how I feel. My soul is broken, tired and everything hurts it-the noise of traffic, a car alarm going off…
Your post and comments really hit me hard, bought tears to my eyes actually. Maybe because I’m going through a highly emotional phase.
I too was wondering what kept you around for so long. You’ve been depressed for as long as I’ve been alive. I’m suffering with major depressive disorder, borderline and anxiety and my fear is that I get to the age of 40/50/60 and all I have done is spent my life being depressed, what quality of life is that? Why shouldn’t I just speed up the process?
What really touched me is what you said about your partner, how they are supportive and understanding and you’re hoping that if you’re honest with them then they will let you go. You would think that if people care so much about you then they won’t want you to be in pain anymore.
I wish you all the best SoVeryTired. Feel free to send me an email ~ funny123 @ protonmail . com, I feel like we are on the same page. Plus, I too am from Australia.
What kept me so long – always the thought what it would do to others. My conscience. First my parents (I first became depressed at 14), then my first husband (that was before realising he was s psychopath), and then of course the children. The children were always an absolute showstopper.
I remember calculating how many years – months – weeks – days I’d have to hang on before they are adults.
Now it’s still something that hold me back, but it’s no longer an absolute.
The balance is tipping towards me having the right to end my suffering, especially given that I have already tried just about every treatment under the sun.
I went out with my partner today, i sing in s choir, and it was our concert today. He sat in the audience, and enjoyed himself so much, I didn’t have the heart to let him know how bad I really am. The timing was all wrong. Plus I sense that he takes it for granted that after every down comes another up.
He has absolutely no problem supporting me through any number of downs but I don’t think it is even on his radar screen that I want to give up. But I want to tell him. We don’t live together btw, so that makes it more difficult as I don’t see him everyday.