Thoughts relating to (my) suicide.

It’s disheartening to think about all that’s going to be left behind once I clear myself off. 

The smiles, the warm memories, everything. I haven’t been living in a fair world for ages. 

I can’t count the many people who have used me. Taken me for granted. I used to be so fragile as a kid. 

So long as he’s living his life, laughing, smiling – I can’t stay around for any longer. I have to get rid of this all. 

I keep telling myself, the next train you see run and jump. I’m thinking about it still. 

Recently I’ve been working on strengthening my apathy, weakening my emotions and emotionally blackmailing myself so I can care less and less about how terrified I am about everything. 

I will surely miss all of the opportunities life had waiting for me. I will miss myself, I will miss the trees and the flowers, the sound of the pouring rain, the night sky, those twinkling stars, the taste of food, the comfort I get while lying cosily in my bed, the thrill of amusement parks and those many little gems on my bucket list.

But how can I live knowing that he’s still out there… 

You don’t understand… don’t tell me you do… don’t try to relate or tell me what I feel… please don’t… 

Someday, on this site will be my very last post, it may not be today.