to: mommy

  August 13th, 2017 by mynameisnight

why can’t you love me, mom? aren’t i your child too? or do you hate me that much?

honestly speaking, i envy my brother.. for you’re always being so nice and kind to him. you’re so obviously prioritize him, always give everything that he wants. you even sacrificed my happiness just to fulfill all his demands.
just like him.. me too, wants to be loved, wants to be happy.
was that too much to ask, mom?

all the other girls can be best friend with their mother. they can tell everything to their mommy and have their mom’s support on everything.
i can’t relate to that. no, that won’t do.. not for me.
i can’t tell you anything because you never listen to me. i can’t even show you what i like, what i want, without being judged.
in your eyes.. i was that one kid that was unwanted. no matter what i did, i will never be good enough for you.

was i not worthy of your love..?

did you know, mom? i feels so lonely these days.. i feel so depressed. everything seems so frustrating. and this anxiety won’t help. i want to tell you what i feel. but i’m scared. all i get in the past when i tell you something was either being judged or ignored. and i don’t want both, i don’t need that.

i’m tired, mom. i’m really really tired. i was contemplating so many times about killing myself.
i thought that maybe.. if i was not around any longer you will miss me. or maybe not. maybe you’ll be happy that i am gone.
i remember, when my brother was very sick, you did everything to save him, you said you’ll go crazy if he was died.
will you do that for me too, mom?
will you miss me if i was dead, mom?

just because i’m stronger, it doesn’t mean that i don’t need your love.
just because i never tell you my feelings, doesn’t mean i wasn’t hurting..

what should i do, mom?
what should i do to earn your love?
i want to die, mom.. i wants to disappear. maybe that way you’ll love me then.

i.. just once in my life, wants to be loved by you, my mother.
just once in my life.. me too, wants to be your number one priority just like my brother.

was that too much?
was it that impossible?
or was i too selfish..?

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