because 9/10 times that she drank she got horrible anxiety attacks and me being drunk as well would have made that a disaster. She told me she wanted to see me be really drunk, but even without her drinking anything that felt too risky to me. Makes me kind of sad that we never had that together.
I couldn’t really depend on her to take responsibility for both of us, and to look out for me when I can’t look out for myself. And now that’s what I most wish I had; that I could let myself fall and entirely depend on someone else knowing that I can trust them with my life. I have been the protector for so long, but for once I wish I would be protected as well.
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Oh god I can relate to the anxiety attacks. I get full blown panic attacks a lot of times when I drink and it’s horrifying, so I don’t. I’ve gotten the cops called on me because of them multiple times.
But I am on the other side of it, being the one who is protected but incapable of protecting anyone else. Sometimes there’s circumstances of why it’s hard to reciprocate that, don’t know how to express love, or show that you care about someone. Then again I’m a piece of shit narcissist, but you must consider everything.
On another note too, she might not wanna drink with you because she cares about you and what could happen. When I first started getting panic attack I was with a guy who I never dated but we pretended I suppose. But I texted him when I woke up in his roommates bed or some shit after drinking one night bc he just left me to sleep, he was pissed. I was saying horrible shit to him and refused to get off the stairs of my dorm and into my room or something. I have no recollection of it at all, he told me he guessed he couldnt be mad at me for something I don’t even remember. Granted these panic attacks were the end of that “relationship”, especially when I probably had another panic attack (again don’t remember) and ended up laying in a pile of my own blood because I cut myself, severely. Needless to say I was found by my roommate and the guys roommate too, but no one really talked to me after that. It was horrifying to explain, too.
I know what you mean. I’m protective and I want to take care of people, but I wouldn’t mind if someone felt that way towards me too. “You look exhausted. Go sit down, I’ll make some dinner/order food.” Not, “You’re working this hard and not making enough money? What a loser.”
I dated a guy once, years ago, who I thought would make a dependable dad if we had kids, but he was totally clueless as to MY needs, and didn’t want to listen if I told him what I wanted. (He’s not the only one of my exes who refused to listen to me and be considerate, so that we could get along.) He didn’t specify what he wanted from me either, so that was that.
Maybe I seem too tough for a man to want to look after me. 🙁