Turns out my mind is beginning to get comfortable with the idea of killing oneself.
I feel like my life will be drawing to a close someday within the remaining 146 days of this year.
It’s incredible how the concept of a single soul can push these thoughts onto you.
It becomes very intense, I almost dream of letting myself onto the motorway just to get hit by a speeding car.
< I was going to daydream more about how I’m planning on ending it all, but it might have been against the rules if I mentioned anything resembling “methods” so it’ll just stay with me for now. >
I’m thinking of spending these last months of my life enjoying it (I’m not sure how I am going to do this as happiness is not in my pursuit!!) and don’t you dare come here telling me things will be OK because at the end of the day the chances of me being driven to take my own life are of high probability. Sure, maybe it would make more sense to suffer while I’m still breathing yet there is going to be so much missed out on once I do go I’d rather cram as much as I can in before I mark my grave.
I usually spend a lot of my time reading articles related to tragic events to get my useless head accustomed to it — to deflate any anxious thoughts over how terrifying death can be, to learn how to react less emotionally towards negative situations and push more thoughts into my head about how much of a nightmare being alive is and how much better it is for me to just go ahead and do it.
And no, this is not the part where you come stumbling in all: “life can be beautiful if you learn to block out the negative thoughts, suicide is only an escape from temporary problems and the world will be so lost without you” — no, please don’t give me that as I do not react too fondly of these comments no matter how much love and soul you weave into them — my fatigued, emotionally-stunted mind will not changed for the better. I’m a goner.
Isn’t it amusing how much dread I feel whenever I dare open my mouth on here? Maybe I feel like a burden.. excuse me if my words sound too blunt/ignorant/you-name-it.
I think I might just drink some coffee while deciding what to have for breakfast, then maybe sleep through another full morning and afternoon like yesterday, who knows.
13 comments
You’re not annoying. Maybe try writing a pros/cons list. Add to it or subtract as required. I do the same with reading tragic articles. Not sure if that helps or not. Helps me become more numb I guess.
Keep up the posting. I personally don’t think anyone coming to this site is a burden.
It’s good advice, but knowing me I’d probably give up after writing one letter.. I guess the more you expose yourself to certain things the more “usual” it becomes. Say, if you were to face a fear head on then that fear may begin to diminish with time. Guess that’s what reading the negative articles do, help us to become void of emotion because it just does not shock us as it did before.
The key is: if I’m finding myself less reactive towards shocking newsfeeds it must be doing the trick. So maybe it does help.
I don’t follow my own advice much. I used to write everything down when I was in the black hole. I guess we all type these days.
As you say-try to overcome your fears. It’s difficult but sometimes only takes one step. Knowledge is power. Know what you’re up against so there are few surprises.
If it’s summer where you are – try some sunshine. We had a warm winter day today. Went for a long walk and sat with the sun on my face half dozing for 15 minutes. Felt so good.
Is there someone that you know and trust that you can talk with?
I really don’t feel up to this.. trust me, I’m already too deep into this self-defeat..
Not even a simple stroll in the park can fix this..
Overcoming my fears sound good, but in this case it’s impossible..
I’d rather just finish my time here..
Talking to anyone will not help me..
This isn’t something you can fix..
They say you can learn to live with it..
Too bad it hurt that much it’s unbearable..
15 minutes of the sunshine will only bring me a little relief, but trust me those thoughts will come crawling back its no use..
Well said ??
Just say if you don’t understand it, nobody else does..
I think I’m just going to stop posting here altogether.. thanks for the comments, guys..
Hands up if you don’t fully understand what I’m saying, it might teach me to make use of coherent sentences next time..
I do understand because I’m in a similar position right now. Every day is a struggle. I guess by trying to pick you up I am trying to save myself too.
In all honesty, I am done. I am waiting to go. Wish it could be today. I hate every day more and more.
You’re right – walking doesn’t help. I do it to occupy myself and get out of the house before I start screaming.
You can learn to live with it – that is true. If you’re busy/occupied then it lessens. It doesn’t go away though. For me it’s always there. That nagging feeling that can’t be excised.
I’m sorry I can’t help you feel better but I do understand.
Oh.. damn… I’m sorry… I have no idea what’s been getting into me lately but I shouldn’t have put that snarky comment… I’m really sorry… I know you are only trying to help and I should be appreciative that someone out there has taken the time to read my pity posts.. I know that when people feel down it can often bring them some relief trying to reduce the pain of others, knowing that you wouldn’t like anyone going through what you’re going through.. I’d sometimes to the same.. try to bring a little hope to someone who just needs it..
I’m sorry for not being appreciative.. walking does help in some way, I mean it would do a lot of good for me to get out of the house rather than staying chained to my bed.. I remember doing a lot of exercise back in the day which used to help uplift my mood a lot.. so you aren’t wrong about that.. I guess I’ve never been the most receptive to anyone’s approach lately, hence the reason I probably don’t have anyone I know talk to me much, I’d blanked them out completely or they’ve simply given up on me over time.
My father often mentions about the fact that when it comes to your ups and downs, sometimes it’s better to just accept the pain and find ways to cope with it. Even if it doesn’t get better.
I’m sorry if I have managed to do harm in someway.. I didn’t have it in my intent to expose negative feelings from others.. and now I’ve got you reflecting on your own troubles, which is probably something you don’t need at all..
I’m sorry that you too are dealing with stuff.. I would like you to continue helping out others as a way to save yourself, you deserve to have some light in your life, and I apologise again that I made it backlash..
Expose negative feelings from others?? I mean IMPOSE negative feelings onto others… then again, what is this site for…
No need to be sorry. It’s difficult to know what to say sometimes as I find it hard when I see others dealing with pain. I guess some suggestions come across as flippant and I perhaps I don’t express myself coherently.
Reality is that you are the only one that can help yourself. Others may guide you or assist but you need to take the steps. This can feel insurmountable at times, like being asked to climb Mt Everest. I do hope life improves for you.