God, I’m so guilty. Today, I flipped out at a bunch of people for calling me smart. I shouted at them because they complimented me. What the fuck is wrong with me? It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong or right. I flipped my shit.
I am shit. Dog shit, specifically. My dogs are biting each other right now. I bit myself the other day. I bet you think I’m a crazy ass fucking psycho, and you’re probably right. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not fucking smart. I do so much bad shit. I’ve ruined my life. How the hell could anyone even dare call me intelligent? That’s a blatant fucking lie! Don’t fucking lie to yourself! Don’t fucking pretend like I’m fucking intelligent! I can’t even manage to fucking converse with somebody without flipping the fuck out at them!
What the hell is wrong with me?
What the fuck am I doing here? I feel like a fucking alien to all of these creatures around me. I don’t belong among them. I am not meant to be around them. I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me. I don’t deserve to live around them.
They couldn’t possibly want to live around a walking civil war. I am going to be the death of me because I’m not SMART enough to figure out how to live. I was a fuck up from the start. I should’ve killed myself. Then you wouldn’t be on this site reading this load of shit. You’d be reading somebody else’s pleas for help, somebody who is actually smart enough to take what you say and fix themself with it.
I hope I die. I hope I die. I hope I die.
That’s been my prayer for years now, seven to be exact. I’m a fucking mistake. I should be dead.
Instead, I’m just a living dumbass. What good is that doing for anyone?
4 comments
This sounds like something someone who thinks they know me would write trying to sound like me.
It does no good. But you can definitely find solutions to the dumbassedness. There’s pills, therapy, stemcells, a lot of stuff. This is a problem with a solution. 🙂
I’ll bet you are smart. You probably can’t see it because you hate yourself so. Damn. Much. How DARE ANYONE ELSE see ANYTHING good in you or something like that…familiar. That’s your self-hatred talking. Tell it to GFO. Yes, it’s hard…but you can do it.
Funny thing is, everyone else around you (who doesn’t hate you, BTW) can see your gifts. Regardless of your self-opinion, you deserve to be loved. Take Carlos’ advice…look for whatever help is available. And, as hard as it is…try and give yourself a break. You deserve it.
Hey…how are you doing?
I’m doing about as good as a suicidal person drowning in shame can do, I suppose. And yourself?