Joystick, being happy isn’t a choice, it’s a state of activity (recreational drugs can artificially and temporarily induce that happiness).

Being happy is constantly pushing on and doing things without stopping to think of how pointless or shitty things are.

Happy people are, intentionally or unintentionally, ignorant of the Universe’s ambivalence.

In a sense, happiness is precipitated by a choice — you have to choose to keep going and just keeping busy. It’s much easier when you’ve got the momentum behind you, and much harder once you’ve slowed down too much.

The older you get, the harder it is to achieve that momentum. You have more behind you to recall and think about, and more awareness of your own existence and mortality going into the future. (Think: “Holy crap, I’m going to work in factories for the next forty years?” and “Jesus, I really pissed away ten years of my life and still have a crappy job and no kids.”)

When you’re depressed, getting moving again and building up that momentum is difficult, maybe improbable. Medication and talking therapy can help, but the longer it goes on, the less likely you will ever recover (definitely fully, maybe partially). You’ll learn to be depressed as a way of life. It will engulf you more than you could imagine it could now, even if you don’t feel sad anymore.

At your age, you have a fighting chance still. It’s your choice, of course. I tried to end my own life a couple of times already by your age. I had some improvement, but not enough medical support was given to me to ever get me out of depression. It has been a lifelong companion that has developed and my personality is intimately formed and supported by it.

If you have access to adequate physical and mental medical assistance, you do really have the possibility of a brighter future, if you want it. It’s really hard, and will suck balls, but the potential is there.

Do what you will. I’ve been a very depressed 15 year old, too. Part of me is glad I pressed on, but I was severely disappointed by failures along the way. I did have some good and interesting times along the way, so it was worth the extra effort.

Your sexual abuse: it sucks, and the harsh truth is you just have to get on with it. Lots of shitty things can and will happen in life. It’s if you let yourself be swallowed up by being a victim, or if you accept and assimilate your past into your present.

Talking to someone about it can help, as long as you’re not just wallowing in self-pity forever. 🙂

Hmm, maybe I’m not so sure what I’m trying to say, either. Just do think carefully before you commit to any decision. I know it’s hard to see any alternatives when you’re at the bottom of a hole filled with tar. It’s up to you if you want to give up and move on to the next stage of your existence, or to see what you might be able to make of this mess in the meantime.

Have a good’n, whatever happens.