I feel like my depression is an incurable disease. I’ve tried so many medicines and so many therapists yet decades later nothing has changed. I’m willing to try again and again but I can’t even do that right now. Work has been hell and I’m desperately trying to move back to my home state so I don’ want to start therapy with someone only to move and start anew. Plus I have no time right now. I’m in a perfect storm of shit at this moment of my life. I’ve felt like this before. It was 10 years ago and I was in a similar situation. The worst mental breakdown of all. I couldn’t go for more then an hour without crying. Getting out of bed took an act of God. I give credit to Prozac and therapy 10 years ago as I was in the deepest pits of hell for over 2 years until I got help. I was brought back from the edge of the abyss. The only problem is that’s all the farther back I ever made it.
Fast forward to 2009 and my fathers cancer diagnosis and 2012 when you finally passed. More mental breaks but the medicine and therapy didn’t help. I was already to close to the edge. Years and years of madness. I’m not sure how I’ve survived this long to be honest. The fact that I haven’t put a gun to my head is beyond reason. The past 10 years have been a nightmare. Nothing seem to help anymore. I’m praying that a move back home will at least help ease my mental pain. I honestly do not know what else to do. I can’t believe I’m still talking about this a decade later. Please God just give me a break! All I’m asking for is to live in peace.
Currently I’m surrounded by anxiety triggers. I feel that anxiety is actually worse than depression. I hate that feeling. The pounding heart, the pounding head, the stomach upset and that horrible feeling of being totally helpless to make it stop. My mind is clouded and numb. I sit alone in my office waiting for a phone call that may take months if not years to happen. All I can do is work but my mind is so unfocused. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel but it is so very far away. I keep moving toward the light never-the-less. I pray I can make it out of this abyss. If not for myself but for my mother. I see her everyday and she can see the mess I’ve become. I use to be able to hide it but not this time. I’m too old and the world has beaten me down to a pulp. The only thing that keeps me going is that once I find a place in my old home town I’m bring my mother with me. Perhaps then I can find some peace. Find a new therapist and some new meds and maybe, just maybe, finish my years with some sense of happiness.
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That’s a lot to deal with. I would’ve already. . . well, you know. I hope things will work out for you and your Mom.
Thanks Once. We all have our cross to bear…
You sound a lot like me, at least in the decades of sadness and the fight you wage. To be honest, I will soon give up. But there are many reasons for that and I am not replying to talk about me. I am not a nut job, not drugged and I have a lot of time, thinking and logic, into my own decisions and understanding. Health is a big issue for me. As they say, once health is gone, life is often over. But you sound healthy and I want to tell you, my friend, that as long as you keep fighting, and keep striving towards a better day ahead…and if you maintain your patience…the odds are that good things will eventually find you. Life is full of ups and downs and some of us get more downs than a person should have to endure. But on the inside…that makes us stronger, at least in some ways. Use that to your advantage. Get off the pills and realize most of those therapists are more messed up than you are. Understand that life will always have its bad things and bad times…but it has its good times too. NEVER forget that! Learn to ride out the bad times and change them when you can. And if you can’t change them…then tell yourself you are stronger than what life can throw at you…so that you can get through those bad times and make it to better days ahead. They WILL come! Never forget that bad stuff happens…but so does good stuff! It may not happen when we want or need it too. But good things find all of us eventually. We must be strong and patient sometimes to get to those things. But that is all it takes. Keep a sense of humor, and a positive view towards the good possibilities. And look at the bad things as a challenge to over come. And YOU WILL.
I have learned that as long as we have our health, then we ALWAYS have the opportunity to overcome the bad things that happen in our lives and/or change them for the better. None of us can prevent bad things from happening sometimes. It is how we fight them, or not, that determines whether our lives will be happy or sad. It is not up to us whether good or bad things find us each day. But it IS up to us in how we react to those things. You are tougher on the inside than you may know. Rely on that and refuse to let the bad days determine your life. I wish you all the best my friend!
Whisper, thanks you for the words of encouragement. I know you are right and I’ve seen this movie many times in my life. I think my problem is that I’m 47 and I was hoping to never hit this low again…but here I am. I’ll keep posting…I hope you keep replying š
“Please God just give me a break! All Iām asking for is to live in peace.”
How many times I’ve said these words.
I know Lords. Is that too much to ask for in life? God knows I don’t have anything else going in my favor.
When I was young and immature, I used to fantasise that after I died, I would offer out God to a fight. Then I would beat and batter him to his knees and and he would beg for mercy and peace. I would shout back at him “did you give me mercy and peace when I was down and out for the count!? Did you fu*k! You kicked me more when I was down”, then I would continue to beat the crap out of him showing him no mercy.
Are you still there? I’ll check back tomorrow. š