I couldn’t take it anymore. I hit the wall today my friends. I woke up at 4 AM and started work like always but today was different. Today all of the sadness and disappointment turned into rage. Every sound from outside was like nails on a chalkboard. Every minor annoyance was met with violence. When I almost broke my keyboard in half because I spelled something wrong I knew what had to be done. I went running to the shelter of a mother’s little helper -Rolling Stones. I keep an emergency bottle of Klonopin in the medicine cabinet buried behind all of the normal items […]
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I feel like my depression is an incurable disease. I’ve tried so many medicines and so many therapists yet decades later nothing has changed. I’m willing to try again and again but I can’t even do that right now. Work has been hell and I’m desperately trying to move back to my home state so I don’ want to start therapy with someone only to move and start anew. Plus I have no time right now. I’m in a perfect storm of shit at this moment of my life. I’ve felt like this before. It was 10 years ago and I was in a similar […]
I can’t focus today. I can’t focus most days. I have so much work to do but my brain is just clouded right now. I started working at 4 AM. Couldn’t sleep as usual. Even my trusted Benadryl failed me last night. I did get some work done but I hit the wall at 8 AM. In between work and meetings I come here to see how everyone is doing. If you made it here you’re probably not doing all that great, I suppose. I hope that someday in the future we can all post something positive. I would love to have something good happen […]
Do you feel like you are always a day late and a dollar short in life? I do. I used to enjoy video games before my world crashed down on my head…again. Even when I played I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I could be in a crowd of people but somehow I would be the one that got killed by the camping asshole sniper on the hill. Having this problem on occasion is normal. Having this problem everyday of my life is some kind of sick joke.
Allow me to give you my example of the day. My neighborhood is […]
First I would like to thank ‘deadstop’ for giving me a new perspective which bring me to this post. What is home? Is it a place to store your shit so you can get more shit –George Carlin. Is it a temporary place to sleep until you move on to a new place? Is it a permanent residence that you stay in forever? Honestly I’m not sure at this point. I love the concept of “home” as a sanctuary that allows you to block out the real world. The concept that it is a safe, warm place where you can relax. I love being at […]
My happy mask is starting to crack. I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been wearing the same mask for close to 40 years now. My mask once covered my entire face. Even those who knew me best couldn’t see through my trusted happy mask. When I was younger the mask wasn’t so heavy. It was still exhausting to wear but easier to carry and quick to install. I could flash a big fake smile and people would think I was the happiest person on the planet. When I was younger there were even times in life I could take off the mask and show […]
Last night I had a beautiful dream. A dream so vivid it had me fooled. It felt like real life. I must have been about 21 years old in my dream. My friends and I were on our annual summer beach vacation. We would plan that vacation a year in advanced because it was so much fun. Suffering through depression, that one trip, those glorious 7 days, kept me from going over the edge. When depression set in I would look at the calendar and feel just a little bit better. Just a little bit of hope for a better future to come.
In my dream […]
“Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake. I pray the Lord my soul to take.”
Do you ever go to bed at night and pray you never wake in the morning? I do. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that I won’t wake up. I pray that I fade silently into the night never to see another morning. Yet every morning I awaken and dread the day to come. Everyday it seems I’m given another piece of manure to add to my already overflowing wagon of shit. When I wake in […]
I stumbled across this site looking for an answer to the question…am I broken? Like a child’s toy left in the street, crushed by the passing traffic. I can relate to all of the posts on this site. Does that mean we are all just broken? Perhaps not. Perhaps we are just highly sensitive to the world around us. Globally we see nothing but death and destruction. Locally we see neighbors who enjoy causing pain to other neighbors and for what? What kind of sick individual enjoys bringing grief to another? This is the world we live in.
I often dream of how the world would […]