I hope my sharing this experience is not minded. It doesn’t really belong here. I am writing here because I have nowhere else to turn to when I experience an influencing event and feel an urge to tell it to somebody just to get a perspective.
The fine line between choice and fate. I experienced it today. The weather was good today because it had rained and cool breeze was blowing. So everything was feeling good and mind was in fresh state. I sat for meditation. I sat upright with straight head. Eventually my head automatically started going backward in up-down direction (i.e. facing towards ceiling). And it had such a force that I had to decisively and deliberately bring it back straight otherwise I felt like my neck would break. Its backward going was automatic but I didn’t give it much thought because it has happened earlier also some times and it may be due to light-headedness. What new happened today was when my arms, which were resting in my lap, also started moving automatically. First a little up, then separating and opening in Titanic/Jesus style. In a very smooth way. There was a magnetic type force there, I could feel it on and around my arm. Very smooth, curvy, balancing. Eventually I felt like my whole body is gonna float in air. With every inhale it was becoming more light, more upright. I kept experiencing this state for some time. Finally I decided to bring my arms back. This is when I felt that fine line between choice and fate. It was the line between ego and no ego. When my arms were automatically moving, I was aware, observing the whole event crystal-clearly. There was no choice or effort of mine in moving them. When I decided to bring them back, I tried to observe how my decision would be transmitted to the arms through brain. I particularly tried to observe that critical point where automatic would be replaced by manual. I can’t say I was successful, it was very subtle and slippery, but it was beautiful – the whole process.
The decision… brings the decisor. The decision has a very consolidating effect on self. It brings a maddening sense of power. Not just sense of power… it brings power. But who was the one who took the decision? Why did I take it? And how could I let it change me? It changed me completely. I hate myself for taking it. But I had to take it sooner or later.
To talk a bit more about that automatic movement. It signifies choicelessness. It shows that we can live that way too. And maybe we can live on that fine line, where we are both observing and taking the decision, where we are both choiceless and choicefull.