So I’ve read a few posts on here and I’m different to most of you in that I’ve never tried to take my own life. I guess I’ve thought about it before but now is the only serious time I’m considering.
On the few posts I’ve read many of you feel that nobody would care if you took your own life, that really hurts me to think. I’m different in this aspect as well as I know that my family would, my mum and sister in particular. And one of my friends as well. This doesn’t stop me having suicidal thoughts however I think it has definitely stopped me from attempting.
I think the main reason for me considering this is due to the fact that I’m really bad at dealing with hurt or pain and I’m not a strong person at all, as much as I’ve tried to be. I keep setting myself dates in my head and telling myself to hold off until that date and see if I’m feeling better. But this doesn’t seem to be getting better. I don’t want to hurt my family or leave them with any pain or guilt- and my mind isn’t clouded enough to think me killing myself wouldn’t do that. I love my family with all I have and don’t ever want to see them hurt, but this is a serious consideration now, and seems to be getting more serious by the day.
I guess I’m here to see if any of you feel the same and also to offer a helping hand to anyone that needs it.
8 comments
What is this hurt and pain you’re talking about? Is it physical, emotional, or some combination of the two?
Mainly emotional I think. I’m a much weaker person than others and can’t seem to deal with it in the same way for some reason
You may think so, but consider it from the reverse perspective. When other people go through similar trauma or emotional turbulence, it’s very hard to see it from the outside. We’re good at hiding behind our faces and words. Nobody knows how to deal with it very well, except for very lucky people, and very shallow people. You may handle it better than others, but considering that you can’t see it, and considering that most people shy away from things they know hurt them, it’s unlikely you’ll find confirmation for that. It’s more likely you’ll see confirmation in the other direction, since that’s the image most people want to project.
It’s the same situation I have to face everyday. I know that I want to stop the pain but my family, my mother, sister and one or two friends would have something horrible to deal with and all because of me, and I don’t want that. This is precisely one of the reasons for that I stay here, feeling all this suffering. I know that I’m a bad person and a burden to the people that care about me, I don’t wanna make it even worse.
First, thanks for your offer to help. That’s kind.
I know full well that my suicide would hurt others, even though I’ll easily say otherwise.
The thing for me is just that I’m at a point where my own selfishness means that I don’t care. I know that sounds harsh, and it is, but in all honesty, that’s how it is. I’ve alienated myself from a lot of people the past few years to help ease my own guilt were I to kill myself, and also simply because I needed a change and letting go of old relationships was important. How my family feels or would feel if I commit suicide has never really been a consideration, but hey, I’m a selfish guy.
Sorry to jack the ccomments but i read your post and read this comment. Honestly i think a lot like you, as im sitting writing this, i have a knife in my hand and it has been hours with me just staring at it. I want to end myself even though i know my family will be in pain but that isn’t the thing stopping me. I fear pain and i dont want to die with my last moments being in pain but not knowing what happens after is also just as frightening. If my conscious is extinguished that would be the best but that idea also frightens me just as the idea of there being an afterlife and keeping our conscious there. I guess im just afraid of death but I think if i had a gun, i wouldnt be here right now and honestly i wish i did have one at this moment. I think the promise of a quick death will be more tempting than the fear i have of dying.
Everything you said describes me except the last part about holding back because you don’t want to hurt your family. I don’t want to hurt my family either, but it won’t affect my decision to kill myself. I think of suicide the same way I think about the career I’ve chosen. My parents didn’t like it and they wanted me to do something different, but in the end it’s my life and I’m the one who has to live with it. So all my choices are my own.
I also believe that anyone who has a child should be prepared for that child to be miserable and suicidal. If you can’t deal with that possibility, then you shouldn’t have a child. Same as birth defects, Down Syndrome, etc. We didn’t choose to be born this way, so our parents don’t have the right to blame us for failing to be normal.
Other than that, though, I’m on the same page as you. I’ve never attempted suicide though I’m pretty sure that’s how I’ll go. My problem is also an inability to handle pain, including painful memories that constantly strike. It’s getting worse, and I know what I have to do. I know many people will miss me and be terribly upset, and that bothers me. But not enough to suffer a lifetime of pain for their sake. There’s actually a great feeling of freedom when you accept that. Guilt is never a good thing.
I’ve never attempted suicide too. But I’ve thought about it, and I think a big part of why I’m still alive is I’m a natural procrastinator. Even my own liberation, I put off and am putting off. But I would never feel guilt about it, because I find it hard to believe anyone could be anything but overjoyed I was removed.