I really want to kill myself

I am a waitress and I see the saddest people come through this hotel restaurant. It is some kind of nightmare day after day seeing these unfortunate souls drift through. I wonder what made them hold on so long? I have a horrible habit of feeling sorry for people, but I think that is because I consider myself good at reading people. And I don’t want to condemn anyone, but honestly I see hopelessness in thier eyes and it breaks my fucking heart.

There’s this one older gentleman that I cannot get out of my head. He’s pretty old, I know his health is an issue, and he’s really hard to talk to because he is hard of hearing and I’m pretty soft spoken.

But so the first day he came in he made everything really difficult for me and critiqued everything I did. But even though he was ruining my night and making me feel like shit I just kept smiling whenever he was talking to me because that’s my go-to. And then today he came in again and asked me my name and asked to sit in my section and then he talked to me a little bit. I did get him to smile for about a second, which was nice. He’s so fucking sad and alone. Where the fuck is his family? I didn’t even get a chance to say goodnight to him but I saw him walking to his room down the hall by himself.

I hate myself for pitying people, because I hate when anyone pities me. But it’s almost like I’m hyper aware of hopeless. I mean hopefully I’m wrong and these guys are all okay, but unfortunately that’s not how it works in my world.