I couldn’t take it anymore. I hit the wall today my friends. I woke up at 4 AM and started work like always but today was different. Today all of the sadness and disappointment turned into rage. Every sound from outside was like nails on a chalkboard. Every minor annoyance was met with violence. When I almost broke my keyboard in half because I spelled something wrong I knew what had to be done. I went running to the shelter of a mother’s little helper -Rolling Stones. I keep an emergency bottle of Klonopin in the medicine cabinet buried behind all of the normal items like aspirin and bandages. My little ace in the hole. Thank God I had some today because I couldn’t function in this state of madness.
Afterward I called to make an appointment with my doctor. I have 14 left. Just enough to get me through. I’m hoping my doctor can give me something new. I’ve tried it all. Why can’t they make a version of Klonopin that can be taken long term. I almost feel “normal” on Klonopin. The last time I used it I went for about 3 months and it started to become an addiction. I knew it and my doctor knew it so she weaned me off slowly. How sad it is that I need a brain altering medication just to function in life.
I would rant some more but I’m feeling a bit too good right now. My mind is running so slow and it feels nice. The noisy assholes outside my window don’t even phase me right now. The world is almost right. Doctor please, some more of these. Outside the door, I’ll take 4 more…what a drag it is getting old.
6 comments
Skinny Mick and the Boys. Well, at least you found some relief, in whatever form it takes. Been there myself. I once beat my computer to death with a baseball bat. The distractions of what’s happening in your neighborhood must be maddening. (Yes, they are, Captain Obvious. How ever did you guess?) Hang in there, man.
This is hilarious, I do the same thing with pills I stockpiled years ago and even use the same phrase “mother’s little helper”. It works if you run for the shelter just once in a while, but as you know, it easily becomes a habit, loses its effectiveness and starts working against you. I think it’s the same with all pills, otherwise depression would be cured by now. But heck, enjoy the ride while it lasts. Watch a stupid romcom and get a good night’s sleep because there are no guarantees in the morning!
I like the Rollins Stones reference. I get the smashed keyboards part. I have done the same and have the ruined keyboards etc. to prove it. (no actually I threw them away afterwords) Somehow talk therapy and faithful consumption of every supplement she has suggested has brought my raging to an end.
I popped benzos out of necessity heavily for a decade. Until I was cold forced off them for 30 days. No withdrawal or anything as I never bought over my Rx, but my Rx was as high as you can go. Long story short, I was dumbfounded to find out after those 30 days that my anxiety was gone too. Same with Vicodin – once I stopped, so did my back pain. Go figure. My doctor says it’s because the anti-depressants are finally allowed to work for the first time and they control anxiety too. Makes sense since it’s actually working. Those Benzos are not meant to be a long-term solution. At a point, they reverse on you and make things worse. Perfect to have for a moment like you mentioned but like it or not, relying on them permanently and daily will literally drive you insane.
Rage is a natural thing, especially when you’ve been bottling up all the anger inside for all the sh*tty cards you’ve been dealt with in life. Instead of bottling it all up and masking it with medicine, I say let it all out. You will feel much better in the process. Sooner or later, some trigger will pop up once again and you would be full of rage, ready to pop out in an instant’s notice. It’s always there lurking, waiting to strike out. I’d rather let it all out than bottle it all up inside. It’s not healthy.
I’ve been prescribed klonopin since early 20s, I’m early 30s now. The psychiatrist is weaning all patients off because she saw reports about it causing dementia in older age. Who cares about when I’m older? I’m suffering now!
I’ve accepted that I will always need benzos, not every day, but they are necessary. I have anxiety and agoraphobia to the point where I can’t even leave the house. It gets so bad, I’ve been in the house for months before. One time a year in the house. The sheer terror of stepping outside of the door is something no one should go through.
I give myself credit for pushing myself out, going on dates and concerts, many different places all these years, but it can be impossible without the help of a benzo.
I only get 30 klonopin a month now since she’s weaning people off so I find other ways to get benzos. Looking forward to my prescription next week. There are other forms of benzodiazepines out there that blow klonopin out of the water if you do your research. I won’t say it here though. It can become a bad habit for sure.