My happy mask is starting to crack. I suppose that I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve been wearing the same mask for close to 40 years now. My mask once covered my entire face. Even those who knew me best couldn’t see through my trusted happy mask. When I was younger the mask wasn’t so heavy. It was still exhausting to wear but easier to carry and quick to install. I could flash a big fake smile and people would think I was the happiest person on the planet. When I was younger there were even times in life I could take off the mask and show a real smile.
The years have worn me down, my friends. The years have added weight to the already exhausting mask. It gets harder to wear and takes so much longer to install. The big fake smile has been replaced by a tiny fake grin. The eye pieces are breaking, exposing the eyes of a stranger. I look at pictures of myself as a child. Blue-green eyes sparkling with life and joy. Today my eyes frighten me. The beautiful blue-green has been replaced by piss yellow and pitch black. The eyes of death, the eyes of a demon. The demon is depression. I’ve fought the beast most of my life. I thought that I had won a few times. I thought the beast was finally exorcised from my soul. The devils greatest trick is to make you think he no longer exists.
I pray for a day that I no longer need my trusted happy mask. I pray that day comes soon. I don’t have the strength to carry it much longer.
7 comments
I feel your pain! Sometimes it feels like there’s no way to win. I’ve never worn the mask which, I assure you, is just as heavy a burden.
Maybe we all need to recognize that we’re not living well. Maybe we all need to take a step back, slow down and just be okay with each other as we are – piss yellow eyes and all.
I wish you well, dear stranger. I hope tomorrow is a better day!
Thank you GenX. I pray you have a better tomorrow as well.
That’s a long time to wear a mask. I know how you feel. Seeing your happier self, one before the demon came. I also know the feeling to think you finally overcome the demon. You finally won yet again, but soon enough you find yourself in the same position, stuck in the bathroom, staring at the weapon that was supposed to end you before. It’s greatest trick is thinking it’s finally gone and you have defeated it. Only to find the heavy shadow swallowing you yet again. I hope things do get better and you are able to discard the mask. I think you will feel free when you no longer need to carry it or have use to it.
I agree DS. I’m so tired of faking and the world just keeps piling on.
I used to have a happy mask- wore it all my life. But now that mask has shattered and I can’t even hide my broken insides anymore. A happy mask is better than no mask. Trust me.
Thanks Eternal. I’m headed in the same direction. It’s just becoming too hard to manage.
Maybe it’ll help if you think that people will be more friendly with you if you keep wearing it, and something will come along later. I think there was a Tyrion Lannister quote that “Death is so boring, whereas life is full of possibilities.”