I’m really sorry to say this, I know its cliche. But I know when I die, in whatver way that I do, I will not have large groups of people hugging and crying and lighting candles for me.
I’m bad at making friends, I feel like people don’t really like me, so it’s my own doing. But it’s just sad to think about.
18 comments
I am just now realizing something horrible, that now I am just another broken soul in this world. What is wrong with this place?
For me, it’s becoming an issue of not “what’s wrong with this place?”, but why do I expect so much from this place? This place is what it is, and I want it to be something other than that, a place custom made for my happiness. Chuckle chuckle. Silly me.
It’s not silly to want that, its human
I look forward to having no funeral it is something I have planned for myself my entire life. I enjoy my own company and hate most other people’s company. I have also planned no obituary and the likes but I won’t have any dependent or anything.
Dear COD, Hope you don’t mind me asking, but if you “hate most other people’s company” what is it that you get/like or want from interacting with people here, online?
Obviously I’m being very bold/daring asking you this question, since I suppose you hate me too.
I’m sad you feel that way, but thought you could give me some direct insight into why there seems to be so much hatrid in this world?
Which is the #1 reason I don’t want to exist in it anymore.
There is such a thing as hating the human population and still being low key lonely. I’m the same way. I hate most of the human population.
I get that, it’s a weird back and forth for me
No one likes me too. I’m going to die alone.
I wish it was better
I can relate to this. What saddens me more, though, is the fact that I am alone here and now. Knowing that noone will really grieve me doesn’t bother me that much, but here, today, when I could use a friend and there is noone, that’s what hurts. The silence and peace of being gone is inviting, but facing every day with the knowledge that I have been and most likely will always be alone is depressing to the point of madness. People make friendship look so easy, so wonderful, and a huge part of me wants to shed the inhibitions that hold me prisoner, but when it comes time to do that, I just lock myself away inside myself. It’s a reaction that occurs before I have time to realize what’s happening. I hate being like this.
Beautifully put Once. My particular favourite is this…
“What saddens me more, though, is the fact that I am alone here and now. Knowing that noone will really grieve me doesn’t bother me that much, but here, today, when I could use a friend and there is noone, that’s what hurts.”
I have trouble expressing myself with the right words. But I find those words here, on SP, from people like yourself. People who are like me. You think you might have no one. But I like to think I have you guys and you guys have me. There are others. We gather here. I get a sense of belonging from that. From SP. I’ve stalked this site for almost 7 years now. They have been the less sh*ttier 7 years. I don’t feel like the only prisoner in the jailhouse anymore. It’s like being in Alcatraz, I imagine. With no guards either. Just me. Alone. But since I discovered SP, I’m not the only prisoner in Alcatraz. There are other cells filled with other prisoners. All like me. We secretly pass on handwritten messages to each other on scraps of paper. Even though there are no guards to confiscate these messages, it provides anonymity and protection from ourselves. Anyway, I’m rambling. Just want to express thank you for your comment.
Yeah. I know what you mean, SP is a safe harbor some days. In a world where contact isn’t easy, cyber-contact is a blessing at times, an anonymous voice reaching out to you (me, us.). Great point.
“and a huge part of me wants to shed the inhibitions that hold me prisoner”
-what inhibitions hold you prisoner?
Wow. That’s a whole post in and of itself.
It’s a long story. Imagine having a little demon standing on your shoulder, telling you that what you just said, what you just did, the way you look, the way you think, the clothes you wear, the opinions you form and hold, the things you need and the things you hope for, he tells you that all those things are irrelevant and stupid, and he never stops, and you believe every word he says like it’s the almighty word of god, and this has been going on since forever. I am my demons *****. I do what it wants. I’ve tried fighting back, with very little success. Victory will require death, mine and subsequently the chattering little demon.
I get that little demon thing kinda, every time I am in public and doing alright, I suddenly see myself, from 3rd person point of view, and I am incredibly ugly and just annoying to everyone. So then I kind of shrink down and try to get away
I’ve been there, too, friend. I’ve had the nagging thoughts pester me for a long time as well. It ain’t easy & you wonder why it’s happening. As someone who’s gotten through the worst part of it, let me just say that this pain creates in you greater endurance, patience, understanding, appreciation, happiness, faith, & hope. For what it’s worth, I’ve got your back. Please know that as hard as it is, and it is one of the hardest things, you can get through it. You are getting through it
I understand you pain. I have the same problem now. You are not alone.
Thank you for saying that, it does make me feel a bit better