Why am I still here? I should have done it already. 5 years ago, when I almost did it, I should have went through with it then. Where did surviving get me? More pain, more tears, more disappointment and self-hatred and betrayal.
I lived so that I could get everything I ever wanted, and see it was a foolish and naive dream to begin with. I lived so that I could realize nothing will ever make me happy.
It’s the truth, I got what I wanted. It arrived twisted into something awful, but still, how selfish is it that I came to resent it?
How is this even real? I wanted a sibling, more than anything. Surprise! I have one. What, do you think you would have wanted to know? Sorry not sorry, it wasn’t your business. We did what we had to do. We did what was best. It’s not about you.
Oh well, I didn’t really like him anyway. And just for a moment, I let myself wish he hadn’t existed after all. And he died. Because apparently that just happens.
I wanted to leave, to run away somewhere where no one knew me. Well here I am. And it’s horrible, I can’t do this.
It’s like I’m stuck in a nightmare!!!
Do you ever feel like your world isn’t real?
What did I just write? Maybe I’m having a psychotic break right now. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I guess you can tell, I’m not having a great day.
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Anything we can do to make the day better?
Just putting all that out there made me feel a little better. I don’t come on SP to die you know, I come here to live.
I don’t even know what brought this on actually, because nothing in particular happened.
Thanks for asking.
What happened to your brother?
He died. His existence was kept a secret form me, so I never even got to meet him. We talked on the phone, but phone conversations are even more difficult for me than real life ones, and I always assumed we’d get closer when we got the chance to actually meet. One day I was told he died, some stupid easily curable disease that the doctors screwed up and I didn’t even know he was in the hospital.
Why was his existence kept secret?
I really don’t know. He was my half-brother and I guess there was some sort of jealousy involved? My parents blamed it on each other and I never got a straight answer. The only reason I know about him at all, is because he reached out to me.
hey there, I am new here, but I noticed one thing. You go around helping people out a lot. At least, talking to people. Sharing, caring.
Would it be weird if I said that I wished you would post something about yourself because I honestly don’t know who you are, and how long you were here?
It was just a few hours ago that i thought about that. And here you are.
At times, I thought that I was alone on this. Like that this world isn’t real, and life is just a figment of my imagination or something.
I guess, life have it own way of giving something, and making people pay for it.
Reading what you said, your other passages … well, i feel the same in a lot of ways. Minus the poetry. I am god awful at Literature
Stay strong. And be less skeptical of people at times. I was about to lose a friend because of that doubt. That, and the fact that I was stupid to begin with
Anyway, what I am trying to say is. It is a bad day. a really bad one to know that. I can’t say I know or understand how you felt. But i know that it is hard to lose a family member. Even one you didn’t get to know very much. It is not something that will go away. Ever… they linger in the back of your mind, they are just there.
But I believe things will get better. Better days are ahead. Life will give you bad days and worse days. But that make the better days that much better
Hey, nice to meet you. I wouldn’t say I’m very active here, but I’m glad you think so, if it means that maybe I manage to help someone out every once in awhile.
‘I honestly don’t know who you are, and how long you were here?’ – The story of my life. Really, I get that a lot, it’s part of the reason I’m here… I don’t know what to say, I first discovered SP five years ago, and I’ve been here on and off since, coming back every year or so for a little while. But this is a new account. I try to stay away when I’m feeling better, for my own mental well-being. I keep details about my life as vague as possible when I’m here, but you can always ask. I have to say, I don’t know anything about you either, if you feel like sharing.
Thank you for the support. You’re right, I should be more open with people, I’m just not sure how to do that. I find that I always push people away. It’s good that you came to your senses with your friend.
Thank you for the lovely message.
I understand.