I’ve spent a good chunk of my adolescence depressed so now that I’m not it feels weird. Almost as if my happiness isn’t meant to be. I’m happier these days but it feels weird. Maybe its because I’m not used to positivity yet. I feel a sense of personality disorder. I’m all cheery around people these days and it feels like i shouldn’t be this way due to my past. I guess this is part of changing my ways. I get embarrassed being seen by others who have known me as dark and depressed back in the day. I know i shouldn’t care what others think but i do because it makes me feel fake. Surely they must’ve known i didn’t mean to be so gloomy around them. I just was at the time. Its not that I hated these people, i just couldn’t trust anyone. I now know that i was only being this way because it was a defense mechanism i had created for myself subconsciously. If i didn’t let anyone in then i didn’t have to worry about the pain of splitting ways with them.
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I’ve felt like that during little flashes of happiness I’ve had inbetween deep depression (tiny violin).
I think there’s no way that your development can’t be severely affected when you’ve had mental health problems from a young age. You might have missed out on a lot of those little milestones that help you find out who you are during that period. It’s definitely creates a bit of a void, and a lot of confusion. So in a sense I guess some of the effects on a person could be compared to some of BPD, maybe, to some degree.
But you are in an endlessly better headspace now by the sounds of it, and I believe you can build yourself up to feel more whole. I know it’s not that big of a deal, but do you feel like this website is a useful place for you to be if you’re generally in a better mindset?
Yes i do feel like i come here when I’m feeling positive more often nowadays. I constantly get flashbacks of how i used to be back in my teenage years and I’m barely 21 so things have changed dramatically but these flashbacks kinda get to me sometimes and they’re really distracting. I definitely feel that void but i also realize that now i can start fresh, all of the past potential friendships and other types of companionships are irrelevant to my present times. I figure, if I keep trying to move forward facing backwards then I’ll keep tripping however if i look forward to the future then I’ll be better off maneuvering through lifes challenges. I’m getting a better grip on my present. These days i constantly focus my attention onto the present because i can’t change the past. Whats done is done. So i might as well work with the new opportunities I’ve got. And its working out, my new co workers and classmates view me as somebody positive as oppose to my old classmates and co workers back in my high school days when i was negative and depressed. Old classmates and acquaintances are pleasantly shocked when they see the new me. I guess I’m kinda shy about the new me that’s all. But I’m adapting to my new lifestyle, in fact now I’m the one helping people back up these days. I make a conscious effort to defuse negativity whenver i can. If someones feeling left out i join them. I keep it real around people and i aint soft for being this way. I think my co workers and classmates appreciate my genuine affection. I allow people to interact with me off safety mode. If they are feeling insecure I’ll make em feel like they shouldn’t feel insecure. Kindness is sometimes mistaken as a weakness so i understand why some people like to keep things fake. Its a defense mechanism. This is the kind of mentality some people have :”If i don’t trust people then i wont get hurt”. But thats the point, lifes a risk and not everybody is an asshole so its okay to be vulnerable and take ourselves off safety mode.
And on the bright side, think of the people who have diagnosed with bipolar — their sense of self must be thrown all over the place continuously!
It is strange going through depression, etc for long periods time whilt of growing up. I had it too and now I’m always aware of this weird dichotomy where I experienced severe emotional pain very young, so in that sense I have this kind of emotional maturity, but as a result of how stagnated you are during depression, I’m probably immature in a lot of other ways and not really equipped to look after myself in adulthood. Shame