Eternal suffering…this is what my life is destined for. Somehow I’ve known this all 34 years of my life, but I never wanted to accept it until now. I’ve worked hard to earn a “Good life” but none of it means anything if you have no one who cares to share it with you.
I recently watched the movie “The Shack” hoping it may restore my faith in God, but the message in the movie didn’t hit the mark for me. The premise being God can’t prevent evil from happening, and forgiveness is the only way to find inner peace, but I can’t forgive everyone that has ignored my needs and indirectly stabbed me in the back and in the heart. I’ve never truly felt God’s presence in my life. As much as I’ve wanted to in the past, as much as I’ve tried to be a good Christian…I continued to always be isolated and alone. For years I’ve been a hero to some and a Saint to others, yet in all that I’ve done to help others along, they take what they want from me and let the door hit me on the way out. I was naive to believe good things come to those who wait, but I’m still waiting and I am crushed by the continuous disappointment each day brings. Everyone in my life has used me until they don’t need or want me anymore. I’m just a means to their end and nothing more.
Life is just a game people play to manipulate each other for personal gain. I have nothing left in my heart to give. My soul is empty and my body is numb. Pain is all I feel and it never goes away.
I almost committed suicide a year and a half ago. Only to go through pointless treatments and therapies in a sheltered environment so people who treated me could feel good about “helping”. But it doesn’t help in the real world. There is no way to cope with eternal suffering and loneliness.
If God existed, he would not be so cruel to make his children suffer for an entire lifetime, forbidding us to kill ourselves only to continue our agony without end. This is cruelty at its worst, being forced to live a life of suffering to be sent to Hell for eternity to continue to suffer. This life is my Hell. I can’t imagine a pain that feels worse than this. I would’ve rather feel nothing at all.
The worst falsehood God teaches is hope. There is no hope for me as I hope and anticipate good things to come, the more I am disappointed by the actual events that unfold. No one truly cares, they all just want to take everything from me and for me to go away and disappear. I am just a burden to all who think they know me and that is all I’ll ever be.
The last thing I ever want to do is commit some atrocity before I die. I wouldn’t do it now, but if I continue to suffer in this life, I fear I may reach a point where I feel everyone and everything deserves to suffer as I do, and I may end up killing people as a result. Ive thought about this a lot since the Las Vegas shooting and i believe this to be the shooters motive. He was old, lonely, and had nothing to show for his life. He probably suffered as we do and nobody even knew it. Better to take my life now and end my suffering and prevent any chance of becoming like him.
Time for my appointment with therapist. Should I tell the truth and let them put me through more useless treatment? Or continue to lie like everyone else does just to avoid the white walls and straight jacket treatments. So sad that these are the only choices I can make over my meaningless life to continue my path of eternal suffering.
Sorry for the rant. So much bottles up in such a short period of time.
4 comments
It’s difficult to know what to believe. All the stories I grew up with also spoke of a kind, sympathetic god, but the reality of life shows me something different. If god exists, it stands to reason it is not always going to be “on our side.” So then, is god acting on our behalf when good things happen, is god turning it’s back on us when we suffer, or is life all just random occurrences and believing in a benevolent god as productive as believing Donald Trump is human? Hell if I know, I’m just an idiot who also gave up the fairy tale of a kind god.
You might also be interested in the movie “God on Trial.” An interesting look at the “promises” a group of people expected god to honor, only to find they were very mistaken.
I only read about a quarter of that. Please forgive me. I’m both drunk and dyslectic. I became an atheist in my early 20s. It was because I started to really think about life and the world around me. I also started to study psychology. If the god of the Bible was real, he would be diagnosed with Anti Social Personality Disorder (a fancy term for psychopathy)….more in line with someone like Stalin or Hitler than a being that loves us unconditionally.
People hold on to the belief in the afterlife because deep down inside there subconscious, they hate this world. They want hope. They want promises of an afterlife and a skydaddy to rescue us. Who wouldn’t want that?
Can’t deny facts. I wish there was a god but I can tell you there isn’t one. I searched and searched and searched! Found nothing. The Bible is filled with historical inaccuracies and logical fallacies.
How can imperfection come from prefection? According to the Bible, god is perfect, yet spawned Satan. Then supposedly allowed him to rule the earth.
If god is perfect than how come he had the stamina to create the universe in 6 days but needed to rest on the 7th? What about Adam and Eve? Couldn’t God find other raw materials besides Adams rib to create a woman?
I found your post to be very interesting, and I really liked reading it. It seems to me that you’re mixing 2 things together.
On one hand you’re saying “I don’t believe in God, God has let me down.” And on the other hand you’re saying “humanity is trash”. But you’re citing the 2nd point as the reason for why the first point is true. “Humanity is trash, therefore god doesn’t exist.”
But actually those two things aren’t linked at all. Humanity is trash, I totally agree with you there, and life is suffering. But that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with God even in the Christian paradigm. Humans are the ones that crucified Jesus, in the Bible. Clearly 99.9999% of them are assholes even according to the Christian gospels.
But that doesn’t mean hope is a lie. Trust is always misplaced when it is placed in other people. But that doesn’t mean you can’t trust anything.
Just to clarify, I’m not trying to convert you to Christianity or something. Far from it. I’m just saying, don’t let a dislike for humanity stop you from feeling any hope.