I’m far away from home and I thought that would make things better, but instead it made them worse

October 8th, 2017by PurpleK

About 5 years ago, I was in a really bad place and I was ready to kill myself, which was how I discovered this site (this is a new account, because it’s been a while since I’ve been here and I forgot my login). Well, I ended up getting better, I made some actual friends, my relationship with my family improved and for awhile I was relatively okay.

I’ve thought about it, since then, but never too seriously. Not until I came here. Well I just started college in another country and I honestly thought it would make me feel better, that I could start over and become independent, make some new friends, all that… and instead I’m miserable and I want to go home. I miss everything I used to resent about my life and this is all too much. I’m sharing a flat with all those people and I’m too shy and introverted to really talk to them, I mean I did make a few friends on campus, but even with them I feel weird and like I’m about to screw up somehow and it’s so exhausting. I’m not good with people or social situations, the only people I feel 100% comfortable with are my parents and now they’re far away. I can’t drop out, like it’s really not an option, but I have no idea how I’m going to survive this. I’ve always had ‘problems’, but now there’s all this added stress, and I find myself considering things I shouldn’t, in ways that I haven’t in a while.

I’m such a loser, and a quitter and a coward. It’s like I don’t really know how to live and I just keep trying and pushing on through sheer will power but it’s so exhausting and sooner or later I won’t be bale to keep it up. Not today, but one day, maybe soon.

 

It must be nice to be normal. To just go through life without all this anxiousness and fear and to know how to talk to people. I mean, why couldn’t I have been born like that? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere, but at least back home I didn’t feel like I was drowning.

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