About 5 years ago, I was in a really bad place and I was ready to kill myself, which was how I discovered this site (this is a new account, because it’s been a while since I’ve been here and I forgot my login). Well, I ended up getting better, I made some actual friends, my relationship with my family improved and for awhile I was relatively okay.
I’ve thought about it, since then, but never too seriously. Not until I came here. Well I just started college in another country and I honestly thought it would make me feel better, that I could start over and become independent, make some new friends, all that… and instead I’m miserable and I want to go home. I miss everything I used to resent about my life and this is all too much. I’m sharing a flat with all those people and I’m too shy and introverted to really talk to them, I mean I did make a few friends on campus, but even with them I feel weird and like I’m about to screw up somehow and it’s so exhausting. I’m not good with people or social situations, the only people I feel 100% comfortable with are my parents and now they’re far away. I can’t drop out, like it’s really not an option, but I have no idea how I’m going to survive this. I’ve always had ‘problems’, but now there’s all this added stress, and I find myself considering things I shouldn’t, in ways that I haven’t in a while.
I’m such a loser, and a quitter and a coward. It’s like I don’t really know how to live and I just keep trying and pushing on through sheer will power but it’s so exhausting and sooner or later I won’t be bale to keep it up. Not today, but one day, maybe soon.
It must be nice to be normal. To just go through life without all this anxiousness and fear and to know how to talk to people. I mean, why couldn’t I have been born like that? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere, but at least back home I didn’t feel like I was drowning.
2 comments
I have been in another country for almost two years now, and it’s been only 3 months since I finally got some esteem I guess? (not sure how to define this feeling). I wasn’t doing ok in home country at all but there was a sort getting used to it, meanwhile coming here made me scared, anxious oh gawd what a table turn. so it takes time, for me it took 1.5 years, you need to get used to the new situation eventually stability will come in. internal / emotional stability, when you’re ready to take on new challenges, even small ones. I was such a ***** at first, often cryjng, filled with irrational fears, even anger, and yes I wanted to go home, I broke down at least twice, once even booked a last minute flight, leaving on the day after, eventually after sleep I had no enough courage to go the airport and I luckily wasted my money. Oh and the first time I went back home for two weeks it was even worse, I was very happy to go back for holidays, in a “finally home” instead I found I wasn’t feeling at home anymore, that place I believed it was home wasn’t that familiar after 6 months, I cried myself to sleep, felt stranded at the thought that I wasn’t home neither in motherland nor in the new country. Hope my story can somehow prepare you in case you feel anything similar, I wish you the best of luck, hope you keep up with your new life and if not somebody will be here for you to cope hopefully 🙂
Sorry this is late, but that does make me feel a little better. I keep hoping I’ll get used to it and it won’t feel like this anymore, and honestly, it’s the only thing keeping me going.