I’m giving up…

It’s hard. I know that life is hard. It’s not supposed to be easy. It has to be this way to help us grow but I’m not strong enough to do this. As each day passes I don’t want to associate with people. I don’t even really leave my room unless it’s for work and even then I call out because some days I just can’t leave to face the outside world where people are ok. I don’t want to pollute them with my negativity so I do the best thing I can think of and that’s to lock myself in my room. For a while I used to want to just die. To kill myself. I’ve almost succeeded but my roommate found me and brought me back. Part of me hated her for finding me and not letting me go but I understand why she didn’t. It’s why I wouldn’t want anyone else to kill themselves yet I think as the time goes by I realize now what I’ve truly wanted. And that is to just disappear. I don’t want to hurt the few people I know that would miss me (at least from what they tell me anyway but I don’t want to chance it) so I wish I could just erase my existence. Then, I wouldn’t be in pain. I wouldn’t hurt anyone because they would never have known who I was. Sometimes the voice that tells me how worthless and pathetic and weak I am gets so loud that the only way to shut it up is to cut. It gives me a moment to breathe. Then the flashbacks start from when I was younger and I just don’t know how to handle it all. I remember so much pain and fear. Betrayal from one who was supposed to love and protect me but I was too young then to understand what he was doing. Now, I’m just broken. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t know how much longer I can let the fear of hurting others stop me from ending it all. I just can’t do this anymore and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m slowly giving up and drowning further and further. Eventually I be too deep and no one, if anyone even cares that much, would be able to save me.