I haven’t been here for a few days, mostly because I’ve been feeling reasonably okay and was worried this site would make me think about all that again. But I’ve been thinking about something today, and since this is the only place I can honestly express myself, I wanted to get it out here.
I don’t think I want a relationship. I’ve never been in one, and the idea of having someone like that in my life, of being able to say ‘I have a boyfriend’ sounds great, but when I really think about it, practically… God, I’d be miserable. I’d have to make time, like a lot of time, go out, have conversations, talk on the phone or by messages. I’d even have to share a bed, how would I be able to sleep? Then there’s the physical affection stuff, I cringe just thinking about it. I don’t think it’s fear from being inexperienced, I just really don’t think I’d enjoy it, because I don’t enjoy physical contact in general, it’s just something I tolerate for other people’s sake. Also I’d have to be open about myself, which is not something I’m able to do with people.
I get annoyed if I have to spend too much time with people I consider friends, I mean I like it every once in awhile, otherwise I get lonely, but my favorite time is when I don’t have to do anything or go anywhere and I can just hide away in my own little world.
But having a relationship would mean letting someone else into that world. Me becomes an us, and your decisions directly affect some else, so you can’t make them freely.
And I mean, could I really love someone? Like truly love them? I only ever seem to feel love for people when they’re gone, otherwise I’m usually pretty indifferent and self-centered.
I like the general idea, I want to fall in love, I want to be loved, but maybe it’s just not for me?
This kind of thinking isn’t normal, right? There’s something wrong with me.
7 comments
It sounds like your still pretty young, so any apprehension as far as the world of dating and the physicality of it is completely normal. A lot of people rush to get out there and “experience” it all and quite a few wind up with a world of regrets.
People say “when you’re ready, you’ll know it”, or “when you meet that person, it’ll make sense”, and it’s more or less that simple. I spent most of my time alone in my teens and felt no attachments or connections growing up, but when I was a junior in college I met someone who meshed with me on a level I never really imagined anyone could. I could simply exist with her – we could do anything or nothing at all and I wouldn’t feel drained or the need to scamper off because sitting there in silence was so much better next to her than it ever was alone.
I think you’re wrong when it comes to the “me becomes an us” mentality though. It’s a dangerous route to travel, at least it can be. There will always be you and there will always be whoever the person is, and what you share is “us”, but never let the “you” become an “us”. I’m not sure if that makes much sense when I type it out… I guess the gist of it is that, while it’s idyllic to be so entwined with someone that you basically become an inseparable unit, it rarely ever happens that way and you stand a good chance of losing yourself should they ever leave…
Yeah.
“I could simply exist with her – we could do anything or nothing at all and I wouldn’t feel drained or the need to scamper off because sitting there in silence was so much better next to her than it ever was alone.”
I can relate to that.
Words are not even needed to communicate.
“I don’t think I want a relationship.”
Would you be writing this, if it was true?
“the idea of having someone like that in my life, of being able to say ‘I have a boyfriend’ sounds great, but when I really think about it, practically… God, I’d be miserable. I’d have to make time, like a lot of time, go out, have conversations, talk on the phone or by messages. I’d even have to share a bed, how would I be able to sleep? ”
All relationship don’t have to be carbon copies of one another.
Have you ever enjoyed the company of someone? If so, was it so hard and so much work to be around them?
I don’t enjoy much physical contact either, or even people standing too close to me i.e. In my personal space; but, with people whose company I enjoy, their touch is kind of soothing.
My opinion is, and you’re not going to like it, you are afraid.
You would be right to be so, because there are a lot of crappy people out there but sometimes, you find decent ones.
Another thing is, when you attach yourself to someone, the bond is very strong and you find yourself in a very vulnerable position and the risk of getting hurt is very high.
At the end of the day, it is up to you to choose. Is it worth it to you, or not?
Is the risk worth the potential reward and life experience?
What you’ve written up here seems relatively normal to me, but I may be an outlier. I had my fill of relationships when I was younger and came to the same general conclusions the hard way. It seems you’ve come to the same conclusions pre-emptively. It’s probably a lot less harrowing along that path.
Heh. I can see where you’re coming from.
I was in a relationship for five years. We were living together for three of it. And yeah, I had apprehension about shit like sharing a bed or hanging out with friends and family. But… with the right person, none of that matters. Now it’s weird as shit to go to sleep and wake up alone.
I won’t say it was all a bed of roses. I utterly loathe talking on the phone to anybody for any reason, and my ex used to always want to call if she had something to discuss, which drove me fucking insane. I also need a LOT of downtime after work, just solitude and peace, which is something she couldn’t seem to handle. And she did plenty of stuff to piss me off too. But you know, that can be okay too.
Sounds to me like it’s a big step for you. And that’s perfectly okay. Either it’s something you could throw yourself into the deep end with, or not ever go ahead with. But it’s 2017 and you’re not a freak, you’re someone with your own interests.
When the right person comes around you won’t mind doing all these things you say you are not into. The friends are just friends for a reason, like yeah, you don’t want to spend all your time with them. But when you find the right person you want to spend every minute with them and you will enjoy all those things. You’ll sleep better than you ever have and then they will LEAVE YOU. MWAHAHHAHA. Then you’ll wonder.. Now how can I sleep?
I think the way you feel could change, but who am I to say?
I think we’re all social beings (to some degree) and need closeness, and I think a lot of the hatred for those kinds of social interactions often comes from when you’re talking to people you don’t really connect with, or even want to spend time around.
And the right person would work out lot of this stuff out with you. And you’d compromise. Quite a few people have big problems with physical affection for different reasons, and some long-term couples don’t even live together.
I mean, you WILL be miserable if you do it for the social expectation. But I don’t think you should feel bad because you have such strong apprehensions about it all right now, for one thing, you’re not well, and I’m guessing you’re very depressed considering you’re here.