Regrets

I feel awkward sometimes when old classmates see me these days. I’m not the same as i used to be back in the day, not one bit and so when they see me they give me a shocked look. Its sort of like a “wtf!?! happened to you?!” expression that they get. Some of them try to hide from me. And only a few that thought i was cool say hi to me but the ones that say hi to me are pleasantly shocked by how much I’ve changed. I even saw my old gf at work when she was buying groceries with her new boyfriend. She noticed me working and how i didn’t have SA or depression anymore and she got all red. She started trying to hide behind things so i wouldn’t notice her but i did. I just didn’t let her know i noticed her. I acted as if though i was too busy with customers to notice that she was there. I guess these people never thought that I’d ever heal. Its quite unfortunate but i could’ve been great friends with some of these people had i been stronger in the past. If i hadn’t been so depressed things might’ve been different between me and all these people. I might’ve had a couple of decent friends and perhaps an ideal relationship with this girl but it doesn’t matter because i wasn’t capable at the time. I can tell they remember me as “that one negative kid”. And this makes me sad because its like my high school phase went to waste. Its like i wasted 4 years of my life. I wish i hadn’t created such an image of myself like that for them. People within my community know about my past and so i feel uneasy showing them my new side. The side they never got to see. I guess I’m just shy about being myself around them because i know they have negative memories of me. I don’t deserve a second chance with these people. I had my chance and i ruined it. I just hope i can meet new people because my past is pretty much non-existent. It’s like I’ve erased my past. Everyone is gone even tho they’re there physically.