This is all so pointless, I will never not be miserable, no matter how my life turns out.

Even when I have a good day, when things go my way, I find a reason to be unhappy. It’s like my own mind wants to make me miserable.

I used to feel bad because I had no friends, now I feel bad because I do… this friend, who is amazing and I value drearily wants to hang out all the time, every day she’s calling me and asking me to come see her, or trying to come to my place. It was fine at first, but now I’ve seen her almost every day this week and I feel like I’m losing my mind! I just want to be alone, I like being alone, I’m used to it and not bored at all. You’d think she’d get it, but she doesn’t. Every time I blow her off I can feel the disappointment radiating off her and that makes me feel like crap all over again.

I know there are a lot of people here who have no friends, or have only distant ones and I feel bad for complaining for actually having a few. I actually made only a few friends here (the country I recently moved to), but his one girl is just so clingy. I mentioned this before, I push people away, well the closer she tries to get to me the more I want to bolt.

I’m always miserable, I always feel trapped. I’m friendless – I’m miserable. I make friends, it’s somehow worse. I’m miserable at home and then even more so when I move away.

Whatever happens, however my life turns out, I will never be happy or satisfied with it. Even if I get what I want, I’ll still somehow twist it into something awful.

So then, what’s the point?

If you truly know you will always be in pain and that it will never get better, why keep fighting?