I just spent an hour trying to work up the courage to go out into my kitchen to make some food. I share accommodation with other people, and I can hear them hanging out in the kitchen. I haven’t eaten a real meal since I got here, on the rare occasions when I’m not too depressed to make the effort, I get too afraid of running into people, or messing something up and having them see it. I guess it’s social anxiety or something. It’s not like they’re mean or anything, they’re nice and they talk to me when I actually manage to leave my room, but they probably think I’m weird or antisocial or rude.
I can hear them form my room, chatting and laughing. The closer they all become, the worse I feel.
I haven’t made many friends on campus either. The few people I’ve been hanging out with seem to have noticed I’m not a people person and are now excluding me too.
The thing is, I can’t decide whenever I want to be alone or with people. When I’m spending time with people, I feel bad because it takes so much effort to keep up with everybody and conversations always seem to die around me. But when I’m alone I’m miserable because I’m failing at being social and normal.
Wow they’re really having some sort of a gathering out there.
I’m not making the food today.
Maybe tomorrow…
25 comments
hey there
can I say that i know the feeling
I have had these friends of mine, 4 of them, for 3 or 4 years now. The gang, as I called it. And it is basically the same. They just seem happier without me. Like if i am outside, or just watching from afar, I can see them laughing with their friends, having fun. With me, the fun seems to just die off.
Bad choice of word there i guess.
Well, 2 of them went abroad the week before last week, and before they did I made sure to said something stupid enough to mess everything up, not to them, but the third one.
I felt like i was going mental really. Said and done things i knew i shouldnt but did anyway. Just to see how it would play out, perhaps to prove that I am right. That they really dont want me along.
I was half right.
They did want me as a friend, just that I am so hard to talk to. And the fact that all I could talk about to them was school work ( I am the nerd/grammar nazi of the gang), it made it hard. They were waiting for me to share. which is ridiculous really, i mean, what, do you expect me to talk more about climate change, interstellar travel, general relativity or “how I am borderline on screaming I want to have friends and talk to you but at the same time a lot of time i just want to be left alone since i felt it is better for everyone to go one without me and if everyone is happy with that i might be too?”.
Sorry that a blabber so much about myself.
I guess, what I am trying to say is, again. PurpleK, you did a great job going to the kitchen. And dont push yourself too much. Know that you are probably not alone in all of this, and that people want to be your friend, give them some trust 🙂
I actually googled ‘what do people talk about’ a few days ago. From what I gathered, it’s mostly nonsense, I guess it’s more about spending time with people than having meaningful conversations. Apparently, you ‘gossip’ and ‘joke around’. Not like that helps me much.
I don’t mind you talking about yourself at all! You don’t have to apologize for that…
Thank you, I had no idea so many people here had gone through similar experiences.
Yeah I get that way if it is people I hate.
Then I will stay the fuck away from them unless I have to do something with them. Usually I can not cook so I go in garage and grab something I can make easy in the garage. I put my blender in the garage and I make smoothies etc out there. I’m a very good cook but I cannot cook because I live with monsters. Usually if they are talking they are yelling at each other. Luckily I can sleep through it but I can’t sleep through banging pots and pans. I have to move out to be homeless to get away from them but I can’t until I am done with probation for a crime I was framed for.
Trust no *****
You don’t even know these people they are strangers you don’t need them and why would you
Sorry you’re going through that. It’s horrible to not feel safe in your own home.
Well that’s true, now if only I could convince myself of that… at this point I’d be happy to not have to look at another snack for a couple of years…
CauseofDeath:Suicide: Just want to say all that sounds hellish, considering you’re already unwell. Also have been in that sort of house situation before — not good. At all. I REALLY REALLY hope you can find somewhere else to live.
I can relate to this. Sometimes hiding out isn’t the best choice, but it is the only option, and that’s a sad statement to make. I understand what you’re saying.
Thank you. I just wish I wasn’t so afraid of such irrational things, it’s not like they’re gonna hurt me or anything, there’s no real reason to be afraid, yet I am.
If you are a girl, you might think that I am a perv or a creep, if you are a guy, you might think I am gay or weird, in that case I’m sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. I love all of you, simply because you exist. If it would make you feel better, I would hug you, every single one of you. We are humans after all, we need eachother. We all might think that we are pieces of shit but we can be of value for eachother simply by hugging and crying together and comforting eachother. I’m tearing up as I am writing this haha, scratch that I’m crying like a fountain
I get what you’re saying. I truly wish more people shared your worldview.
Im the same way.
Get yourself a magic bullet, some hemp hearts and some VEGA powder or equivalent. You can live off of that. I did for a long time.
Tsk tsk…
I’m living off snacks right now, and the occasional sandwich, since it doesn’t require me to stay in the kitchen too long. I don’t think I can look at another snack for awhile…
hey, im the situation as you right now. yesterday my roomates all hung out and made dinner together without me, no one is even talking to me right now. i dont think i did anything wrong, but who knows these days right? all i can say is that i sympathize with you, i know the feeling. its shitty as fuck, but you have us here on SP right? i understand how hard it is to socialize, especially when your mind says no, and thats okay if you dont want to, let the feeling pass and try and make friends when your ready. i found it always hard for me to talk to my friends when my mind was somewhere else, i found i would isolate myself from them, so in the end, there actually wasnt much of a point of talking to them. keep that in mind, sometimes its better to just be alone with your thoughts to figure shit out
Beautifulsinner,
I once complained to a friend of mine who happened to be a coworker of mine and another girl that I could just not ever be comfortable with. It turns out, according to my friend, that the other girl – who is outgoing, popular, and intimidating to me, is just as afraid of me as I am her.
Social people are afraid of quiet people and they tend to just shut them out instead of taking the upper hand. It is because extroverts make their feelings known ALL the time, and so someone who keeps everything bottled up, introverts, scare them. They expect to know everyone else’s feelings with whom they socialize as well. When another person doesn’t show their feelings, well, my friend simple said, “She just cannot figure you out.”
-B
I do tend to isolate myself these days, I just don’t want to be the loser with no friends either, because I’ve been there before and it’s horrible. Thanks for the advice, maybe eventually I’ll start feeling better and actually WANT to seek out other people.
SP is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, it’s the only place where I feel like I can be myself and not have to pretend, and It’s the only place where I let people see I’m not okay.
Your post brought back memories for me.
My diagnosis is schizotypal personality disorder, not that it matters so much, but I experience intense social anxiety too, and the dilemma you described was incredibly relatable.
I also feel torn between the exhausting and frightening prospect of socializing, and the loneliness of always being by myself. And what you said about conversations dying, I experience that too. I feel so inadequate because of it.
I am likely older than you. I guess I would advise you to take this seriously. Get some therapy if you can. Treating phobias, including social phobia, apparently has quite high success rates.
There is a great online service called Joyable, but maybe you would prefer to speak to a therapist in person, rather than via Skype.
Don’t let this ruin your life when there is a good chance it can be greatly ameliorated. I have lived with it for far too long myself. All the years and opportunities down the drain…
I’ve been thinking about therapy, or at least counseling at my university a lot, to be honest I could probably use some sort of medication, but it’s scary. It’s also important to me that my family doesn’t find out about my problems. Unfortunately, I have a family member who has access to people’s medical records because of his job and regularly checks up on the people in his life. If I did seek out help he would soon find out and, of course, let the rest of my family know. He constantly does this, if I get sick and go to a doctor, I soon get a call from him asking if I’m alright. It’s not meant with any malicious or controlling intent, it comes out of worry and curiosity, but I guess you can see my problem. That and I’m simply afraid of giving it a shot.
Hi,
My current, 25-year old self, would say that it is all in your head. You live there just like those people and you have a right to go into that kitchen and make yourself a meal.
My younger, teenage self with crippling social anxiety would understand. She would also sit in her room and drown herself in television shows and internet.
I can’t tell you that those feelings of fear will get better. They still get to me in certain social situations at times. And it’s usually because we think ALL the time. And we also think about our every move, how we sound, how we look, and whether or not we look stupid while doing something as simple as making a meal.
But, you ARE worth it. And I’m sure if you asked your roommates, they would rather have you out there with them than hiding in your room and starving.
Kind regards,
-B
I’m glad it got better for you. My roommates are pretty nice, form what I’ve gathered. And sociable, unfortunately. They probably don’t get my behavior at all. The fact I’ve never had to cook for myself before and have no skills doesn’t help in making me less anxious… Thanks for sharing, I hope I manage to overcome this, at least somewhat.
You can do this. Social anxiety is totally manageable. I believe in you. Please don’t give up. BUT, if the case is a little different just know:
Some people think this is the case with me. But i just FUCKING HATE EVERYBODY I live with. I want NOTHING do do with them. I pay my rent, please LEAVE ME ALONE. But, ofcourse I can’t say that. Because I don’t want to hurt them. I kinda just want to not have to engage with them unless I have too and vice versa.
Thank you. Well I actually like my roommates, or I don’t dislike them. They seem cool and friendly, if too sociable for my taste. I just don’t do well in social situations, so I have no idea why I thought I could do this.
I do this kind of thing at work a lot. I’ll go out of my way to arrange my work itinerary in the opposite direction of everyone else so I can do my work in peace while everyone else is on the other side of the building. It backfires a lot, which leads to awkward conversations about nothing that end abruptly because I have no idea how to respond to half the things people say to me.
One time, a coworker asked me, “Have you seen the game?” I said, “Yeah, that was a cool movie.” Har har har. Nobody ever gets my jokes. Seriously, though, I haven’t seen the game. That’s probably a safe bet. No hablo inglés, no hablo de deportes. Gracias. ¿Te gustarÃa cerveza?
I get that. A lot.