Just glancing at some of the symptoms of air embolism forces me to lean towards saying yes, yes. It probably is rather painful. It’s also probably not lethal. Just painful and permanently damaging.
Please don’t do it. Very very VERY veryvery painful. When scuba divers surface too quickly they get bubbles in their blood and it’s called ‘the bends’ because they bend over in extreme pain. An air embolism is probably that times 10. It would be much less painful to walk into an oncoming truck I’m sure.
If you keep poking yourself with the same needle, you’ll not only dull the point, you’re putting yourself at risk of infection, which if not treated could become systemic, even lethal, but again, very painful.
01:46
Friday, 24 November 2017 (CET)
Time in Belgium
this is my screen now
I’m sitting in a dark room
staring endlessly at the empty lines I want, but can’t seem, to fill…
it’s really really cold where i am
i had a long tiring day
i have an early class tomorrow
i’m way too late into the night
my eyelids feel heavier than stone
I’m pushing with the last bits of power i’ve got left
so I can write you this…
I’ve read your posts
all of them
83 to be exact
I don’t remember
how many times i wanted to cry…
how many times i actually cried…
i think it’s safe to say
i was crying inside all through out reading…
& it’s not only because of your pain
but also because
I have so many things that I want to say to you
so many points that I want to clarify
& I just can’t find an easy way to do that…
how can i explain
to a girl who has,
sadly,
for months,
perhaps even for years,
convinced herself
of being a bad person
how can i explain to her
that she is one of the gentlest
most caring people if I’v ever come across…
how do i convince her
that,
completely opposite
to how she sees herself,
she is kind,
polite,
compassionate,
righteous
& moral
most saddening to me:
how do i do that
in a matter of hours
through only some words to write
& with only one chance
at getting it all right
FarahLajeenNourAlDean, please don’t cry or feel anguish over posts like this. Lately there have been many, many SP members who come here threatening to kill themselves, over and over, every day a different way. And it’s really pissing me off because good people like you end up suffering because of it. I think it’s terribly irresponsible of people to threaten suicide every day because it plays hell on the minds of people reading it. When someone threatens suicide multiple times, only to keep posting again and again, no change, what are we supposed to do? Cry our eyes out every day and beg them not to? Most of the time they don’t even bother to reply to your words. I’m sorry, this just makes me sick, like people calling 911 or pulling fire alarms just for kicks.
you say you’re “empathetic”
& that this is the main reason why
you’re tired & wish to leave…
can i ask you
to please explain to me
what kind of “empathetic” person,
on an anonymous website,
where no one really has a chance of identifying them,
& with no obligation to say or write anything at all,
would ask a complete stranger
if they are okay?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would ask a struggling mother
how old her autistic son is
& if she has a husband to help her out
& then express compassion
when they find out she’s a single mom
& give her words of encouragement… ?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would say “sorry”, “please” & “thank you”
?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would check up on others,
express sadness & support to those who are suffering,
& make nice jokes to cheer up a stranger who seems to feel down…
?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would try to hold off someone who’s about to quit
or at least encourage them to think about it & not to rush
when they themselves are here for that exact same purpose & reason [to quit]?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
or any other situation,
would tell a complete stranger
“you are a very sweet and kind person just so you know”
?
honey
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
or any other situation,
would “Care” to say such things?
what kind of “empathetic” person would even “care at all”? 🙁
you say your mom is the sweetest , kindest person ever
& that she has a heart of gold
you feel you don’t love her enough
you might even say you feel you don’t love her at all
& that you’re not doing her any justice
compared to how much she’s done for you
& how much she loves you
honey,
who wouldn’t ?
who wouldn’t feel exactly the same in such a situation?
I feel horrible as hell tefarding how i treat / feel towards my mom
when in fact i never really did anything wrong or treated her disrespectfully
but no matter how good i try to be
it never ever feels enough…
& oh boy if I get angry or annoyed or feel anything negative towards her
no matter how rightful I could be
it comes back at me & I feel like a terrible person for it
sweetness,
this is how it’s meant to be
moms are “supposed” to be the ultimate example of love & self-sacrifice…
since you’re Muslim,
& with no intention of disregarding your doubts,
but I hope these words remind you of something that you hopefully have no doubts about
[& it’s okay if you do]…
“”We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth”
“Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father.”
“Paradise is under the feet of mothers.”
“Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother”
how could we, their daughters or sons, come even close to compare to such an example…
?
& it’s meant to be that way
not to “destroy” you as you feel it did
but so we are driven / feel obliged to “push ourselves” into treating them as best we could
& “try our best” to apply:
“and that ye *be kind to your parents*. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor [speak to them in kind words]. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy just as they cherished me in childhood’ ”
kindly note that I say “push ourselves” & “try our best”
because it’s not an easy job
& we won’t always succeed at it
I may go as far as saying
that actually most of the time we will fail
but it counts that we “try” love
so again
tell me
who could possible have a mother like yours
& not feel bad towards how they treat / feel towards her
?
you go back & say you’re “empathetic” & “don’t feel guilt”
then please explain to me love
if this is true,
why would you care then?
why would it “destroy” you?
with what logic would it make you “feel horrible” or “so so bad” about it
to the extent that you’re considering ending your life over it?
honey
does it make any sense to you
to say that you “don’t care”
when everything you say & do
proves that you do?
you say you’re narcissistic
vulnerable
self-diagnosed
or even professionally diagnosed…
fine by me
I’ll go along with it
& I’ll take it as a fact
you are hateful for being “so selfish & self-centered”…
again, & even though I disagree, i’ll believe you
sweetness, who isn’t?
generally,
but specially in this violent, cruel, superficial & disconnected age we live in,
who could possibly survive “without being” “so selfish & self-centered”… 🙁
?
it’s the main reason why
whenever someone is seen or filmed while doing a simple act of kindness
or a mere display of humanity
they make the national headlines as heroes
& it becomes a sensational drama topic on the news & in TV shows & so on for weeks
people shower that person with compliments & admiration
they might even make them a statue 😀
all because they had the rare courage of acting selflessly
in a world that promotes nothing but selfishness & self-centered-ness…
what I mean to say love
narcissistic or not narcissistic
being selfish & self-centered
isn’t really a moral crime in my honest opinion
at least not in these times we live in…
yet,
if this is really something that bothers you
& if we are to think of possible ways that we can change ourselves
I say we can start by trying our best to be supportive of those who need support
to be kind to those who need kindness
so,
for example,
if you come across a depressed person
ask them if they’re okay…
if you see someone so desperate that they want to quit
encourage them to re-think about their decision
or at least show them that you care…
oh wait…
you already do that
you have already done that & more
& without anyone telling you to
I know
you’ll probably say it’s all an act
that you pretend it
that this in not the “real you”
& if I tell you it’s no problem
you will say “I can not live my life as an actor”
sweetness, who doesn’t?
who doesn’t live their lives “acting”?
love
we are born with good in our hearts
but with evil surrounding us every where we go
we are born vulnerable & fragile
& this evil surrounding us affects us greatly
in time
it almost becomes part of us
we feel it, think it & understand it
as if it’s inside us
but honey none of this
no matter how seemingly bad
really counts
evil feelings
evil thoughts
evil wants
as evil as they may be,
in and of themselves,
they mean nothing
what does count
what does mean something
is our “acting”
that which you see as superficial & unreal
is actually the deepest & most real part in life
It’s our “acts”
our “actions”
our “acting”
that count above all else
you can think the most evil of thoughts
conceive inside of you the most evil of feelings
but if you “act” good
none of your thoughts or feelings matter or count anymore
love
you mis-tagged the “real you”
the real you is neither inside nor outside
the real you is that very “act” you pull off everyday
it’s every small little action that make up & form that act together
but also “actors” by “overcoming & overshadowing”
these dark thoughts, feelings & wants in our heads
again I refer to I refer to my & your religion
& I remind you that it is explicitly mentioned
how we have inside us both goodness & inclination to evil & temptation
& how it’s every person’s individual test
to try their out most best
to make goodness win
not through good thoughts
not through good feelings
not even through good intentions
but primarily & most importantly
through good “acts” & “actions”
all the other good things
if they do come
they come next
they come after “acts”
so love
you “can” live your life as an actor
because it’s actually the only way we “can” live
we all are actors
the difference is
what are our roles?
are we “acting” good?
or are we “acting” evil?
& if it is the second [& believe me, we all do the second, maybe even on a daily basis]
we ask ourselves how we could & we endlessly try to
be the first
you asked before about near-death experiences
I believe I had one
& trust me
it’s not fun
you think you “lost all hope”…
when this happens
it’s true true darkness in every sense of the word
it’s as hopeless as one can possibly get
& i was aware of it
I wish it on no one
honestly
i wrote about it here before
if we talk
& I hope we do
I could tell you more about it…
17 comments
Just glancing at some of the symptoms of air embolism forces me to lean towards saying yes, yes. It probably is rather painful. It’s also probably not lethal. Just painful and permanently damaging.
Please don’t do it. Very very VERY veryvery painful. When scuba divers surface too quickly they get bubbles in their blood and it’s called ‘the bends’ because they bend over in extreme pain. An air embolism is probably that times 10. It would be much less painful to walk into an oncoming truck I’m sure.
If you keep poking yourself with the same needle, you’ll not only dull the point, you’re putting yourself at risk of infection, which if not treated could become systemic, even lethal, but again, very painful.
01:46
Friday, 24 November 2017 (CET)
Time in Belgium
this is my screen now
I’m sitting in a dark room
staring endlessly at the empty lines I want, but can’t seem, to fill…
it’s really really cold where i am
i had a long tiring day
i have an early class tomorrow
i’m way too late into the night
my eyelids feel heavier than stone
I’m pushing with the last bits of power i’ve got left
so I can write you this…
I’ve read your posts
all of them
83 to be exact
I don’t remember
how many times i wanted to cry…
how many times i actually cried…
i think it’s safe to say
i was crying inside all through out reading…
& it’s not only because of your pain
but also because
I have so many things that I want to say to you
so many points that I want to clarify
& I just can’t find an easy way to do that…
how can i explain
to a girl who has,
sadly,
for months,
perhaps even for years,
convinced herself
of being a bad person
how can i explain to her
that she is one of the gentlest
most caring people if I’v ever come across…
how do i convince her
that,
completely opposite
to how she sees herself,
she is kind,
polite,
compassionate,
righteous
& moral
most saddening to me:
how do i do that
in a matter of hours
through only some words to write
& with only one chance
at getting it all right
one chance
I’m not even sure if you’ll read any of it 🙁
but here goes:
God I hate to do this but I have to speak up.
FarahLajeenNourAlDean, please don’t cry or feel anguish over posts like this. Lately there have been many, many SP members who come here threatening to kill themselves, over and over, every day a different way. And it’s really pissing me off because good people like you end up suffering because of it. I think it’s terribly irresponsible of people to threaten suicide every day because it plays hell on the minds of people reading it. When someone threatens suicide multiple times, only to keep posting again and again, no change, what are we supposed to do? Cry our eyes out every day and beg them not to? Most of the time they don’t even bother to reply to your words. I’m sorry, this just makes me sick, like people calling 911 or pulling fire alarms just for kicks.
@ Mimieux
Thank you so much for caring & for writing this
there are a couple of points to explain
will reply as soon as i finish here <3
love
you say you’re “empathetic”
& that this is the main reason why
you’re tired & wish to leave…
can i ask you
to please explain to me
what kind of “empathetic” person,
on an anonymous website,
where no one really has a chance of identifying them,
& with no obligation to say or write anything at all,
would ask a complete stranger
if they are okay?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would ask a struggling mother
how old her autistic son is
& if she has a husband to help her out
& then express compassion
when they find out she’s a single mom
& give her words of encouragement… ?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would say “sorry”, “please” & “thank you”
?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would check up on others,
express sadness & support to those who are suffering,
& make nice jokes to cheer up a stranger who seems to feel down…
?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
would try to hold off someone who’s about to quit
or at least encourage them to think about it & not to rush
when they themselves are here for that exact same purpose & reason [to quit]?
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
or any other situation,
would tell a complete stranger
“you are a very sweet and kind person just so you know”
?
honey
what kind of “empathetic” person,
in such a situation,
or any other situation,
would “Care” to say such things?
what kind of “empathetic” person would even “care at all”? 🙁
you say your mom is the sweetest , kindest person ever
& that she has a heart of gold
you feel you don’t love her enough
you might even say you feel you don’t love her at all
& that you’re not doing her any justice
compared to how much she’s done for you
& how much she loves you
honey,
who wouldn’t ?
who wouldn’t feel exactly the same in such a situation?
I feel horrible as hell tefarding how i treat / feel towards my mom
when in fact i never really did anything wrong or treated her disrespectfully
but no matter how good i try to be
it never ever feels enough…
& oh boy if I get angry or annoyed or feel anything negative towards her
no matter how rightful I could be
it comes back at me & I feel like a terrible person for it
sweetness,
this is how it’s meant to be
moms are “supposed” to be the ultimate example of love & self-sacrifice…
since you’re Muslim,
& with no intention of disregarding your doubts,
but I hope these words remind you of something that you hopefully have no doubts about
[& it’s okay if you do]…
“”We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth”
“Your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father.”
“Paradise is under the feet of mothers.”
“Your Heaven lies under the feet of your mother”
how could we, their daughters or sons, come even close to compare to such an example…
?
& it’s meant to be that way
not to “destroy” you as you feel it did
but so we are driven / feel obliged to “push ourselves” into treating them as best we could
& “try our best” to apply:
“and that ye *be kind to your parents*. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor [speak to them in kind words]. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: ‘My Lord! bestow on them Thy Mercy just as they cherished me in childhood’ ”
kindly note that I say “push ourselves” & “try our best”
because it’s not an easy job
& we won’t always succeed at it
I may go as far as saying
that actually most of the time we will fail
but it counts that we “try” love
so again
tell me
who could possible have a mother like yours
& not feel bad towards how they treat / feel towards her
?
you go back & say you’re “empathetic” & “don’t feel guilt”
then please explain to me love
if this is true,
why would you care then?
why would it “destroy” you?
with what logic would it make you “feel horrible” or “so so bad” about it
to the extent that you’re considering ending your life over it?
honey
does it make any sense to you
to say that you “don’t care”
when everything you say & do
proves that you do?
you say you’re narcissistic
vulnerable
self-diagnosed
or even professionally diagnosed…
fine by me
I’ll go along with it
& I’ll take it as a fact
you are hateful for being “so selfish & self-centered”…
again, & even though I disagree, i’ll believe you
sweetness, who isn’t?
generally,
but specially in this violent, cruel, superficial & disconnected age we live in,
who could possibly survive “without being” “so selfish & self-centered”… 🙁
?
it’s the main reason why
whenever someone is seen or filmed while doing a simple act of kindness
or a mere display of humanity
they make the national headlines as heroes
& it becomes a sensational drama topic on the news & in TV shows & so on for weeks
people shower that person with compliments & admiration
they might even make them a statue 😀
all because they had the rare courage of acting selflessly
in a world that promotes nothing but selfishness & self-centered-ness…
what I mean to say love
narcissistic or not narcissistic
being selfish & self-centered
isn’t really a moral crime in my honest opinion
at least not in these times we live in…
yet,
if this is really something that bothers you
& if we are to think of possible ways that we can change ourselves
I say we can start by trying our best to be supportive of those who need support
to be kind to those who need kindness
so,
for example,
if you come across a depressed person
ask them if they’re okay…
if you see someone so desperate that they want to quit
encourage them to re-think about their decision
or at least show them that you care…
oh wait…
you already do that
you have already done that & more
& without anyone telling you to
you see what i mean sweetness 🙂
I know
you’ll probably say it’s all an act
that you pretend it
that this in not the “real you”
& if I tell you it’s no problem
you will say “I can not live my life as an actor”
sweetness, who doesn’t?
who doesn’t live their lives “acting”?
love
we are born with good in our hearts
but with evil surrounding us every where we go
we are born vulnerable & fragile
& this evil surrounding us affects us greatly
in time
it almost becomes part of us
we feel it, think it & understand it
as if it’s inside us
but honey none of this
no matter how seemingly bad
really counts
evil feelings
evil thoughts
evil wants
as evil as they may be,
in and of themselves,
they mean nothing
what does count
what does mean something
is our “acting”
that which you see as superficial & unreal
is actually the deepest & most real part in life
It’s our “acts”
our “actions”
our “acting”
that count above all else
you can think the most evil of thoughts
conceive inside of you the most evil of feelings
but if you “act” good
none of your thoughts or feelings matter or count anymore
love
you mis-tagged the “real you”
the real you is neither inside nor outside
the real you is that very “act” you pull off everyday
it’s every small little action that make up & form that act together
it what you do
it’s how you act
that’s the “real” you
it’s our purpose in life
to be “actors”
“actors” by “taking action”
but also “actors” by “overcoming & overshadowing”
these dark thoughts, feelings & wants in our heads
again I refer to I refer to my & your religion
& I remind you that it is explicitly mentioned
how we have inside us both goodness & inclination to evil & temptation
& how it’s every person’s individual test
to try their out most best
to make goodness win
not through good thoughts
not through good feelings
not even through good intentions
but primarily & most importantly
through good “acts” & “actions”
all the other good things
if they do come
they come next
they come after “acts”
so love
you “can” live your life as an actor
because it’s actually the only way we “can” live
we all are actors
the difference is
what are our roles?
are we “acting” good?
or are we “acting” evil?
& if it is the second [& believe me, we all do the second, maybe even on a daily basis]
we ask ourselves how we could & we endlessly try to
be the first
you say you struggle to win this fight
between being selfish & being good, helpful or selfless
as above sweetness
who doesn’t have this struggle & this fight
every single hour of every single day
?
I feel I still have
so much more to say
but in hopes of not giving you a headache
assuming I haven’t already given you one
& assuming you’ve actually read all this 🙁
I end here
I know that reading 83 short posts
do not give me a right to say that “I know you”
not even a 100 long posts
could give that right
& though I wish I had known you
I know that I can’t say that I do
but I do care
& I really really really don’t want you to go…
if you say
“you don’t understand”
or “it’s more complicated than that”
I’m okay with it & I accept it
but please please please love
explain it to me 🙁
tell me what is it that I misunderstood…
someone wrote you before
that therapy solves nothing
because you only keep digging for problems
without solving them
I want to help you solve the problems
one by one
we can keep trying till the end of my life
I don’t mind
but please please love… take my hand 🙁
you asked before about near-death experiences
I believe I had one
& trust me
it’s not fun
you think you “lost all hope”…
when this happens
it’s true true darkness in every sense of the word
it’s as hopeless as one can possibly get
& i was aware of it
I wish it on no one
honestly
i wrote about it here before
if we talk
& I hope we do
I could tell you more about it…
finally
you mentioned having 6 sisters
I know that’s already too many to add on
but I hope
it would be okay with you
if you can consider me
at least very very temporarly
the 7th
cause you are like a sister to me
10:00
Friday, 24 November 2017 (CET)
Time in Belgium
this is when I end
you could probably notice
the first post isn’t timed as I claim
that’s only because I started writing it at the time I wrote
& finished it at the stamped time
I slept out of tiredness in between
I’m even late for class
but if this has even the smallest chance
of making you reconsider or think
I say it’s 10 million times worth it
I’m looking for a better way to end
but can’t seem to find anything else to say
other than
I love you
I’m praying for you with all my heart
<3
<3
<3
P.S.
There’s now a post with your name
<3