“Aren’t they just symptoms of your own deficiencies?”

Before we get this shit-show on the road, I want to make one thing clear:

You didn’t do this to me. You didn’t push me to this point. I’m far too self-righteous to believe anyone could do anything to me (after all, this whole “suicide” thing is always about “showing God who’s boss”, right?). Anyway, don’t feel guilty, this isn’t your fault, nothing you could do, I drove myself to it, etc. Same necessary disclaimers that shift all blame to me. I’d tell you where to send questions, comments, and concerns, but I’m dead (assuming all’s gone according to plan) and will not be able to answer them.

So, snow’s the part of the note where I talk about why I did it. This isn’t any of your business, though. If you didn’t know by now, you weren’t meant to know. It’s kind of like how I’m not meant to be alive. There’s nothing you can do but take the truth just as it is —- even in its form as a wriggling, slimy maggot. They’ll eat through you just the same.

I should probably talk about how I feel guilty, but if you had any base knowledge about me, it’s that I’m guilty. I feel guilty for everything, and I’m too selfish to let anyone’s words convince me that I am not telling the truth to myself. I guess that’s the thing about being fucked up; there’s some “fucked up” that just can’t be fixed. I could recognize about a million problems. I tried to fix them, but I must not have been “trying my hardest” or whatever, because nothing ever came of it. I keep screwing up everyone’s lives.

There’s something I heard awhile back, and I might be paraphrasing it with minor errors, but what I remember really got to me: “Aren’t these just symptoms of your own deficiencies?”

We all want to fix ourselves. My understanding of human nature requires an overwhelming sense of egocentricity, or at least a higher respect for oneself than anyone else. I don’t want that to happen to me, so instead, I’ve accumulated not only the fault I tried so desperately to avoid, but a whole fucking variety of the rest.

Back to the deficiency thing, I realized this morning that I don’t exactly deserve to live with all of these people I love so dearly, especially if my deficiencies cause pain and inconveniences on their part. I have been nothing but terrible to them. I don’t think it really matters that I did try very hard not to have this happen, and that I tried to stay alive for them, but maybe it makes the difference for whoever reads this note.  My deficiencies were irreconcilable, even when I tried my best to fight against them. I was an inconvenience at best.

So, I know I said that I wouldn’t waste your time with why I killed myself, and I guess you still only got part of it, but I guess it just goes to show how much of a hypocritical liar I really am. I’m sorry for that, and I’m sorry for being to much of a contemptible coward to come forth and aplogize to your face, and I understand if you hold no respect, love, or forgiveness for me. That’s a lot more than I could ever be bold enough to ask for. I’ve ruined you all, and I can’t expect your lives to be mended by a single word of five letters.

Anyway, I don’t have last words, so don’t record these. That’s bullshit. None of my words ever did what they were supposed to.