Here are a few judgements that reflexively pass through my head when I come here:
Selfish
Self-centred
Spoiled
Lazy
Unforgiveably stupid. Like seriously lacking in intelligence.
But that’s why we come here right?
Because that’s the way the world views mental illness. Because as long as they can’t see a bloody, gory wound, you must be exagerrating about this supposed pain. You have no real reason to complain.
And I get that view. I mostly subscribe to that view. I don’t know what I have to complain about.
Yes, I lost my child this year. But the statute of limitations on wallowing in that is up. Not that I allowed much wallowing. A week after it happened I was journalling. A month later I was painting. Two months later I was back at work.
Three months later I had a breakdown and saw a counselor. A week after that I told her I was fine and she told me I was fine.
And now about two months after that visit, and five months after the world ended, here I am on Suicide Project.
That I keep coming back to this esteemed company no longer just saddens me. It scares me. I have started to wonder whether the darkness that leads me here might also lead other things to me.
Bad things.
I don’t mean in the supernatural sense (or do I?) (No. I don’t). I mean in the sense that this low energy, angry, frowny bullshit reflects and creates the storm clouds.
Is that a thing?
I know that happy is work. And sad requires little effort. It is the wave that you just have to let crash over you, while you try not to drown. And depression is when that wave hits you after you have swum far from the shore.
There is probably an analogy in there for how you need to just relax and the wave will carry you back to shore.
But what if I swam out too far this time? And my arms are tired.
1 comment
(Virtual hugs) That’s very unfortunate. I can only imagine how you feel at this point sense I’ve never lost a family member. Although i feel like i can sense the grim reaper approaching. I don’t know who’s time it is but lately I’ve had this strange feeling like its almost time for somebody to go. I hear so many stories about families losing loved ones but i have yet to experience it myself. It must feel horrible knowing that the world keeps spinning after such tragedy. Its gotta be tough on you. People care, and counselors can be so gullible. I prefer hearing people out without the paycheck for doing so. Its ok to lean on others for support. Life can get tough sometimes and so when it hurts us, sometimes we need a close friend or family member to be there for us. I hope you have that support system in some shape or form. If not then u have people online willing to listen and empathize with you. We’re all human after all, I know there’s assholea out there but theres also loving human beings in this world. I hope you recieve the emotional support you need.