I have been ready to end it all for months now, but then one of my family members beat me to it. Now I feel like it’s just bad timing. Everyone will think I did it for attention, when that’s the last thing I want. I just want the pain to not exist anymore. For me to not exist anymore. I don’t want a service or a burial, I actually wish they could just dispose of my body, and go on with their lives.
About a year ago I told my mother that I do not believe in God, and she asked me why would I want to die then. I told her that this pain is so unbearable, that I would rather fade away into nothing, than to be stuck here. When you are so sad/mad that you would rather not exist than be here, that’s completely fucked up. I’m completely fucked up, and there’s no way I could ever put the pieces back together. I don’t want to anymore.
I no longer see that light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is blackness, and it scares me because it’s eerily comforting.
(sorry if none of this makes any sense at all, I just had to release these feelings)
2 comments
It will just seem like a suicide pact or something. You know they say one suicide drives more suicides of the people close to the person. Usually a string of suicides follows. You could always write a note to clarify like “this has nothing to do with the (insert person who “beat you to it’s” death) and that you had been planning this for some time much longer than before he died.
Good idea. I will have to rewrite my letters, just to get that point across. Thank you for taking the time to respond.