I have been ready to end it all for months now, but then one of my family members beat me to it. Now I feel like it’s just bad timing. Everyone will think I did it for attention, when that’s the last thing I want. I just want the pain to not exist anymore. For me to not exist anymore. I don’t want a service or a burial, I actually wish they could just dispose of my body, and go on with their lives.
About a year ago I told my mother that I do not believe in God, and she asked me why would I want to die then. I told her that this pain is so unbearable, that I would rather fade away into nothing, than to be stuck here. When you are so sad/mad that you would rather not exist than be here, that’s completely fucked up. I’m completely fucked up, and there’s no way I could ever put the pieces back together. I don’t want to anymore.
I no longer see that light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is blackness, and it scares me because it’s eerily comforting.
(sorry if none of this makes any sense at all, I just had to release these feelings)