Hello World

Hi everyone,  ive never done this.  Im not sure what to saay really…  Well it started when i was very young (4).  Father was a voilent drunk.  Never physically hit me,  but did my mother. I was young so i didnt know what to do.  I cut my finger with a filet knife,  one of the only memories i still have.  Life went on,  and i was torn between my mother and father when they seperated.  They used me as a tools to get back at each other constintly screamed at me about one another,  like i should understand why…  Thats about the time when i started feeling i didnt want to be alive.  Since that time i started having night terrors of being mutalated,  or mutalating someone else not anyone in particular.  Ive seen what people later on explained to be a shadow man in my dream,  it cut my head off.  Anyways, aside from dreams. During the time i was being shifted from one school to a new home and another,  i was made fun of for various things (not using the bathroom at school)  basically was going theough so much stress that thats all i could think about…  My father was physically and repeatedly punching my mother in the face while she was on the floor,  so instinctively i jump on top of her,  to my suprise my father actually stopped.  I then was “kidnapped” by my father weeks later and moved around from one place to another in his attempts to avoid us being found.  My mother eventually found us and the police and everyone involved was there to make sure of my safety?  Or to control who gets the child support…  Whos knows.  When back at my moms house there a guy who was a down stairs neighbor,  who molested me,  picked me up twirled me in a circle and pull my pants down while grabbing my well you know… He didnt stop for more then a minute or so,  all the while my sister was right there but she couldnt see anything so she thought he was messing with me and she was laughing.  I was in shock so i couldnt really speak.  Years later all the while still dealing with all of this type of crap,  i started failing school grades when grades started to matter.  I was rejected,  insulted and bullied just about every school i have been to.  My first attempt,  was when a girl who i thought my friend had turned on me (probably my fualt)  aand eventually told me my life didnt matter and told me to kms.  I tried,  with a knife,  to my throat.  However i couldnt manage to get the knife any further then a half inch with out pulling away because of the pain. I sat there and cried,  cried and cried some more.  Begging for something,  someone,  anything or anyone.  Highschool years,  my mother eventually got tired of me being around (16-17) told me to leave or get a job (still in school)  so i was forced to get a job.  I forgot to mention that my father bought me a guitar when i was 13 and i had been sucked into it ever sense my uncle taught me to play.  I was a prodigy playing technical and advanced solos when i was two months into playing. In highschool i was told be a teacher they have universities for music,  i was thrilled.  I began trying really hard in school and got high honors accepted to MI(musicians institute).  While still having a job going to school and was doing good-ish,  my father calls me said he had a gun in his hands and he was going to kill himself if i didnt quit school,  due to child support.  I chose my father,  quit school.  And ended up on the streets.  3 months i slept in shady peoples homes,  park benches. I turned 18 soon after and things just got worse,  lost my job and ended up back at moms.  Got a job lived with my step brother and met a girl who i thought was my…  love?  We stayed together for 4 years i had a job a place to stay and at certain times a vehicle…  But everything was so exapensive i lost my car,  then job,  then,  my fiance at the time cheated on me.  My second attempt,  i walked to a close bridge.  It had only a guard rail made of flimsy steal and a cat walk underneith it.  Before walking to the bridge i figured id sit on the rock near it.  A man walked up and said ” what are you doing up here”,  i mumbled.  He replied,  “whatever it is,  dont do anything stupid it isnt worth it. ” i ignored the message and when he left,  walked to the bridge and leaned over it head first.  I stared down at the really shallow water flowing over the rocks under it,  and thought this is it.  The end. I lifted my right leg and my weight shifted forwards,  i was ready i didnt flinch or even freak out.  But in the instance of feeling as though i was about to fall what seemes like everything i have done,  all the choices i made and all the people i met and lost all flashes through my eyes. After i had realized the amount of weight that was shifted wasnt enough to plummet me to my death. I ended up slowly settling back where my weight was recentered and thought to myself,  maybe she isnt worth it. So i lifted myaelf off the ledge and sat there and cried for what seemed like hours,  two trains went by the bridge before i got up and left.  I walked home thinking about my next option.  Later i got a job at the same place where all my stress and depression would always worsen,  worst idea ever.  Years went by i met another girl who i thought was mine,  my soul mate and she meant everything to me.  Over the period of these years i had gainend a job and lost it soon after over and over again,  never had the chance to get back up,  i was extremely depressed,  i tried mary jane and didnt like it.  Ive been through 12 or so TYPES of medication with no success.  I decided it was best to actually attempt again seriously try this time.  Water intoxication,  i down 2 1/2  jugs of water and starting to feel the effects about to pass out with in a half hour,  and my room mates walks in… Hes had seen me disoriented and ask what i was doing and i was okay.  I told him i was just tired,  and he left,  as soon as he left i started puking,  and he came back because he heard it.  He stayed lingering around,  and i knew he would have alerted someone if i kept going so i stopped for a later time.  That brings me to to going through jobs and living arrangements over and over again still,  not being able to find a way to get back up.  During one job,  o broke down i cracked and called someone saying if you dont pick me up right now,  the next sharp object is going through me neck.  They picked me up,  i ended up in the psychiatric ward for nearly a month taking pills again.  Got released with no help.  And ended up back in the same path. The girl who i thought was my soul mate still could be?  Idefk…   Ended unfortunately.  The all hell broke loose,  lost my grandmothers,  grand father,  and niece all in the same year.  Fucked me up and gave me ptsd in hospitals.  Along side the ptsd i already have,  and the” extremely severe depression and anxiety” as the doctors say,  suicidal should be in there,  but i never told anyone the truth about the extent. Nor will i ever.  Im tired of typing,  this isnt everything and it isnt in full detail either.  Im sorry about the lack of paragraphing and incorrect grammar.  Idek why i am doing this.    Urgh,  gonna go back to sitting and my chair staring at the  non cable tv.  🙁