I had to Physically fight my own mother

I’m writing this not because i want some sort of attention but it’s more or the fact that i do not want to be judged or criticized by the way i am feeling. I’m tired of being labeled as weird or crazy because I’m not happy. Truth is, I’m stuck. I don’t know how to crawl out of this awful feeling of hopelessness and disappointment. I’m sad all the time, even when i am with my best of friends or when i was working, all i think about is when i am going to go back home and sleep. I feel as though my safe place is my room in bed. I have felt like this for awhile now and all i have been told was that I’ll get over the feeling eventually. I feel like I’m a waste of space in this world. I may have afew people who care for me, but in my mind i just feel alone. I’m the one who is always giving someone advice when they are feeling down but when am i going to take my advice? Growing up I’ve had to deal with drunks. A mother that is a nurse and everyone loved but when it was time for her to come home, she’d down a bottle and my toddler self would snuggle up next to her under the dining room table where she’d pass out drunk. A step father who was a correctional officer who’d also come home and crack open a bottle of liquor and pass out on the couch, lord for bid you wake him up. I don’t think i have ever seen them in their right state of Minds sober and lovable. It just got worse and worse, i started to grow up and see them for who they actually are. Nothing but worthless drunks who only care about themselves. Now i will give them credit when thanksgiving and Christmas rolled around a Dinner was always prepared and presents were under the tree. But that’s not what i was looking for. I was looking for a loving mom who i could call my bestfriend. Someone i could call a dad because mine didn’t want anything to do with me from the beginning and maybe could have found that in the step father but that wasn’t the case. From being beat on by drunks for standing up for myself vocally to being emotionally destroyed one day came where i had enough. I was coming home from a friends house because i spent the past few days there and was coming home to check in. I called and called but no answer. So i showed up (with my friends) and we three went upstairs because that’s where my room was, i told them to stay up there while i go see where my mom and step father was. I went to my little sisters room (both sisters are toddlers) and the step father was passed out on the couch while my two sisters were on the floor playing with forks and knives that my parents didn’t put in the sink. I took the utensils away from the girls and woke up the step father to ask where mom was and why the girls were playing with forks and knives. He told me she was in the back yard(our backyard had a pool and a privacy fence with two sheds.) I went out there and saw her in a bathing suit, the bottoms were too big they were hanging half way off of her showing her pubic hair. She had a bottle of Grey Goose in her hand drinking from the bottle. I asked her what she was doing and it startled her so she tried to hide the liquor but it was too late. I snatched it out of her hand and poured it out asked what in the hell was wrong with her, asking why she is out here half naked drinking when there are two kids inside the damn house that she should be parenting. She then proceeded to call me names, tell me how she hates me and that I’m not perfect. She tells me that she might be a drunk but at least it’s legal to do so rather than being a pothead head like my brother and i. (Not even potheads but ohkay whatever). I told her i was disappointed and disgusted that she would rather be out there than inside with her children who i found playing with knives and folks and all she did was call me names. I started to walk back inside and she said something mean that caught my attention so i turned around as i had the screen door open and looked at her and said, i might not be perfect you might hate me but look at you, you’re pathetic you’re out here half naked drinking with your kids in the house you’re a piece of shit mom and i will never be like you. She then grabbed me by my neck and started chocking me. We are now in the kitchen and she is squeezing my neck tighter and i told her to get off, she didnt want to do this. Keep in mind that i have NEVER laid my hands on her EVER, she is my mom and no matter how many times she choked me, slapped me, pulled my hair and hit me, i would NEVER hit her back. Until now. I told her again to get off she didn’t want to do this with me and she kept screaming i hate you i hate you i hate you you’re the worst daughter ever and i can’t stand you. She started to try and slam me on the floor but she couldn’t so she ended up pushing me back to the wall choking me again and then i just… snapped. I looked at her, pushed her off of me and she fell into the stove then onto the floor and i just lost it. I grabbed her by her hair and just started punching and punching and punching at her head. Everything that she did to me EVER, was running through my head, every name, every hit, every hair pull she has ever done to me was a hit in the back of the head for her. And while all of this is happening, her stupid husband was behind us laughing. But he stopped laughing and pulled me off of her once he saw that i was beating her ass. That was the first time i ever laid my hands on my mother. Ever. And that day was the last time i lived there too. My friends that were up stairs the whole time this was happening was greeted by my stepdad rudely telling them to get the fuck out of his house. They left. I called my brother and asked him to come get me. I locked myself in the bathroom and my stepdad was banging on the door. I wouldn’t answer. He went down stairs so i thought, so i unlocked the door and he opens the door and pushes me into the wall and tells me to give him my phone and i told him no. So he took it from me and said “bet you have been telling your grandma everything huh because this family has no privacy”. I told him i was leaving. And i got up to go leave and and he follows me and tells me, if you leave don’t come back you little *****. So i didn’t. I walked down the sidewalk with my hair a mess, my shirt torn almost all the way off, scratches and red marks down my neck with no shoes on until my brother came and got me. I ended up going the next day back to the house to get my belongings and my mom changed the locks on the door. My grandmother and i waited until my stepdad went to work to go back to the house. My mom let us in and the first thing she said was, you still mad? I was in total disgust. I didn’t say anything to her i just went upstairs to get my things and loaded them in the car. As i was doing that my mother was down stairs screaming at my grandmother acting like she was going to hit her. That was the last time i lived there. And you know the worst part about all of this? To this day, my mom and her husband are still drunks. TO THIS VERY DAY. And i had another argument with them last time i was down there. And you know what it was about ?? Their drinking. My mom wanted me to get in the car with her to go to the movies and i said no because she was so drunk she couldn’t even walk straight or talk normal so do you really think i was going to get in the car with her ? NO. I went to go see my little sisters in their room and mom went into her own room crying and wanted to go  to sleep. Then my step dad told me to get up and go to the movies with her… are you kidding ??? So i said no and packed my belongings and got a friend to come pick me up. Before my friend got there my stepdad wanted to have a talk with me and so we went outside and he asked me what my problem was. So i told him that i can’t keep doing this. And I’m not going to anymore. You guys have a problem and you need help. This is not healthy and if something ever bad happened to my little sisters you have my word that you’ll be sorry. He brung up the past, about everything that ever happened and you know what? It saddened me, because not only did he not remember what really happened and what i actually went through, he made up in his head situations that didn’t even happen.. They have drank so much alcohol that they don’t even remember all the hell they have put me through growing up and it literally breaks my heart and makes me sick. And i don’t think i could ever get over it. Everytime some bad happens in my life, something that upsets me, my mind wants to constantly replay all the abuse they did to me. And the fact that they deny it and say i am Lying when i tried to tell them how i felt and what they did, hurt me like no one could ever imagine.  It makes me constantly want to end my life. Because i just know I’ll never be good enough, for anything in that matter… I’m drowning in medical bills at the moment, quit my job afew months ago because of awful management making it a toxic work environment and now I’m just stuck. I had a job lined up for me and was actually lied to about it because they ended up hiring someone else behind my back. The employee that was there told me the boss told me whenever i can apply to come in and i would have the job and that’s not how it happened. I followed what they said did what i was told and they jipped me out of a job. I’m applying to places now but all of this is just getting to me. I genuinely do not want to be here anymore and i can’t shake that feeling no matter what i do. This feeling is so attached to me that it’s consuming me. I’m an animal person and i have a dog and afew cats and they are my world actually, they are like my kids. And that’s the only reason i haven’t taken my life because i know they would have to go somewhere else and i would never get the chance to see my sisters again. I’m just not happy. I’m tired. I’m done. My past haunts me every hour, minute and second of the day. I feel like a walking corpse. I’m emotionally drained. I do not know what to do anymore. I can’t take this sadness anymore. I want it to stop and i know it won’t. It never will. I just hope that one of these days maybe I’ll have the courage to actually just end my life. It truly sucks wanting to not be in this world anymore but you’re too scared to do anything about it.