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Maybe, I just need to jump… (to my death)

by Urm8451n

A lot of time has passed since I wrote here.

My last post was about “Tips and good bye”, but I came back.
I’m suffering from abdominal pains each day, and it has become more and more harsh.
I’m trying to study, but I can’t concentrate. Where ever I go, I feel isolated. It is not socialy isolation, it is different. I feel different.
I can’t explain how I’m doing, I can only say I’m cracked, I’m fully torn apart. I’m all alone in this war and I don’t FEEL like I can make it through, I need help, and I HAVE NOWHERE TO GET IT FROM.

I’m a fighter, but it has nothing to do to how I feel. I’m still a human being, why does life has to be so harsh?

My father is alive, but has abounded  me. I’m helping my mom, but it is so life-sucking. I can’t help my brother, because I’m all committed to fix all our life.

I’m doing the best I can at the university but it is not enough.
I’m pushing myself BEYOND the limits.

I can’t explain what I feel, just… just so freaking broken. I’m sad to find out I’m the only one capable to lift me up (even tho, I’m glad I can do it).

The “faculty advisory” told me “you should learn how to forgive yourself” ;
sudden honesty to all you, dear readers, I can’t forgive myself. The reason I’m not succeeding is because I’m not pushing hard enough.
I finished my first semester with avg of 89% , but this is not good enough. I can’t forgive myself for years of “not giving a shit”
I can’t forgive myself for not saying those same people who stab my back ” I hate you” at their face, at that instant moment.

You know something? I always tried to be the “bigger person”. But that is some real bullshit right there. I turned out to be a “piece of shit you can step on” – (And I thought none wants to step on a shit haha).

For whoever committed to this post and actually read up to here – Thank you. Knowing you read it, make me feel much better.
Like I just told the whole world : “Hey people, I’m defenseless and injured, my friends and family don’t see it, and I have got nowhere to turn, so just wanted to let you know, I’m hurt and injured…”

I will always know, that after I will finish my studies, my life would turn around. I know it is worth bleeding for, because it is focusing on the target and not on the depressing things in life.

I will always look at the bright side and seek progression, but it has nothing to do with me being a dead man walking.

how many of you feel like me? Have you ever been so broken apart you started talking to your self?
I wish to stay sane untill my better lifetime – I mean, to stay sane untill the end. Because one day, I will be able to tell to my dad, and other people – “I made it :), you left me worthless and aside, but I made it, because I had something with me, and I grew it stronger and bigger, and I finally made it”.

As for people who wonder why I use tags of both “I will survive” and “My suicide note” is because I’m one part at my grave, and the other at the skies. I’m still a kid all inside, because I have never had the “time to grow up” but needed to do it instantly. I just skipped childhood into “adultHELL”.

Wish you all the best,
Yours, Jac.
Stay strong, be brave, life has a better ending than it seems.

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4 comments

muspelhem 11/28/2017 - 2:57 pm

I can relate. Tbh, I only skimmed. I’m a bit tired and have to go to bed. But today I had a crap day, and I just felt like “fuck it”. I’m so tired of hiding my feelings, what I’m going through. I hate, hate, hate my job. Why the fuck do I keep coming in to work? I’m just fed up. I dunno, maybe you’re turning your anger inwards, that’s why you’re so hard on yourself?

I can’t sustain myself on self-flagellation. I used to do that 100%, the warrior ethos, or whatever you want to call the BS men are fed by popular culture. One day, I just crumbled. I had nothing more left. Then I spent a decade on medication, and (stupidly) seem to have returned to the warrior ethos. And it still doesn’t work. Not long-term.

Maybe us guys can learn something from women? I feel like they usually have it a lot more together than us. Or than me at least.

freeroma 11/29/2017 - 1:08 am

Pain makes a lot of things more difficult to deal with.. any doc able to help? Granted I never see a doc for ghost pains.. usually take it easier with the offending part and a little maintenance. Maybe something in diet, or stress..

“Capable of lifting me up” yeah that’s mostly what it amounts to. Even when others can share the load.. it still rests on you. I do hope you find something to help ease it.. people can make it easier.
I was never a fighter, not really. Angry but not with much of a will. And no spite to prove a point about living.
Bright side? Check. Progression? More two steps forward, one back in my case. Dead one.. I don’t feel fully alive.

“.. started talking to yourself?”
Lol. For years. Outloud conversations and arguments, sometimes at other people in my life instead of me. Sometimes to calm myself down, and others not so much.
I still socialize with others, but yeah. I know I’m not exactly sane, but it’s ok. Half the time.

Still, does the unforgiving make you feel better or worse? Does it act as motivation?
If not.. if you can’t let go, dont dwell at least.

While you’re focused on your goal and pushing beyond limits.. please just remember not to push beyond breaking completely. Take time for self care, burning out won’t help you. You have a cause to bleed for, that’s fine, but does you no good if You’re unable to enjoy it.

Still, the good luck wish for you remains.

Urm8451n 11/30/2017 - 4:10 pm

Haha.. Love your comments.
I have no answers for your questions because I don’t really know.
All I know to do is to shift my mind from subject a to B.
I’m not forgiving my self because I’m probably suffering minor stalkhom syndrome. I relate to my abusive parent saying I’m not good enough.

freeroma 11/30/2017 - 11:41 pm

Well least one of us does.
S’ok, don’t really have the answers myself. but eventually all points need resolved in one way or another.

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