Maybe, I just need to jump… (to my death)

  November 28th, 2017 by Urm8451n

A lot of time has passed since I wrote here.

My last post was about “Tips and good bye”, but I came back.
I’m suffering from abdominal pains each day, and it has become more and more harsh.
I’m trying to study, but I can’t concentrate. Where ever I go, I feel isolated. It is not socialy isolation, it is different. I feel different.
I can’t explain how I’m doing, I can only say I’m cracked, I’m fully torn apart. I’m all alone in this war and I don’t FEEL like I can make it through, I need help, and I HAVE NOWHERE TO GET IT FROM.

I’m a fighter, but it has nothing to do to how I feel. I’m still a human being, why does life has to be so harsh?

My father is alive, but has abounded  me. I’m helping my mom, but it is so life-sucking. I can’t help my brother, because I’m all committed to fix all our life.

I’m doing the best I can at the university but it is not enough.
I’m pushing myself BEYOND the limits.

I can’t explain what I feel, just… just so freaking broken. I’m sad to find out I’m the only one capable to lift me up (even tho, I’m glad I can do it).

The “faculty advisory” told me “you should learn how to forgive yourself” ;
sudden honesty to all you, dear readers, I can’t forgive myself. The reason I’m not succeeding is because I’m not pushing hard enough.
I finished my first semester with avg of 89% , but this is not good enough. I can’t forgive myself for years of “not giving a shit”
I can’t forgive myself for not saying those same people who stab my back ” I hate you” at their face, at that instant moment.

You know something? I always tried to be the “bigger person”. But that is some real bullshit right there. I turned out to be a “piece of shit you can step on” – (And I thought none wants to step on a shit haha).

For whoever committed to this post and actually read up to here – Thank you. Knowing you read it, make me feel much better.
Like I just told the whole world : “Hey people, I’m defenseless and injured, my friends and family don’t see it, and I have got nowhere to turn, so just wanted to let you know, I’m hurt and injured…”

I will always know, that after I will finish my studies, my life would turn around. I know it is worth bleeding for, because it is focusing on the target and not on the depressing things in life.

I will always look at the bright side and seek progression, but it has nothing to do with me being a dead man walking.

how many of you feel like me? Have you ever been so broken apart you started talking to your self?
I wish to stay sane untill my better lifetime – I mean, to stay sane untill the end. Because one day, I will be able to tell to my dad, and other people – “I made it :), you left me worthless and aside, but I made it, because I had something with me, and I grew it stronger and bigger, and I finally made it”.

As for people who wonder why I use tags of both “I will survive” and “My suicide note” is because I’m one part at my grave, and the other at the skies. I’m still a kid all inside, because I have never had the “time to grow up” but needed to do it instantly. I just skipped childhood into “adultHELL”.

Wish you all the best,
Yours, Jac.
Stay strong, be brave, life has a better ending than it seems.

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