the start of my life
The life I can kind of remember started at my grandma’s house. Fed well, treated like royalty. School starts, pre-k, bullies, two-ish friends, not the worst scenario. Kindergarten, more bullies. Friends? None. Not for the first three months. Alone, too big, too fat. Smart. I was still mostly a normal kid. I Elementary continues, I find a passion in music, I become more outgoing, bullies are less prominent, more friends, straight A’s. 5th grade. I have a bully as a best friend. She calls me fat and ugly and tells me I can’t sing right. She ‘dumps’ me for someone new and her crush of 5 years. I lose all of my friends to her. Thats okay, I’ll find new ones. I’m alone for a few months. Someone walks up to me one day. Friends. Old friends talk shit about me behind my back. They don’t matter. What would it feel like to cut? I want to know. I want to know. Oh. Thats how. Good. More. MORE. Bullying. New friends disappear. No one cares. Everyones gone. Too fat, too ugly, too awkward, a know it all. Everyones gone. Straight A’s. Middle school. Alone. Its fine, I’m fine. Same school, same people. Alone alone alone. Sit alone at lunch. Don’t cry in front of them. You are all you have. Do I fit in with them? No. Them? No. Them? No. Okay. Alone. Cut. Sweaters. Don’t let them know. 7th grade. New girl? No, shes been here. New friend? Friend 🙂 Oh.. you have scars.. I have scars.. Are you okay? Talk to me, whats wrong? Why are you doing that? I promise no more if you promise no more. Okay. Weird feelings. Hm. Ignore them. No. It cant be. Oh, best friends. Only friend. I like this. Okay. Weird feelings. Jealousy? Why?? Scars fading. Straight As. Summer before 8th grade. Why am I being ignored? Hello? Oh, space. Okay.. no more bestfriend.. 8th grade. I’ll see you in heaven grandma, I love you. Blurry. Grandpa.. I love you. Ill see you two later. Abuelo.. te amo. Los tres. Three in one year. Blurry. I cant remember anything. Feelings arent going away. Youre in love with me? Im in love with you. Girlfriend? Girlfriend. 🙂 Oh no more. Oh okay yes? No? Yes? No? Im confused… Other people and me? Oh.. okay. Straight As. Summer. Bye girlfriend, by bestfriend. oh hi. bye. hi. bye. high school.. high school big, new, no one I know.. Do I have a girlfriend? I dont know.. homework. homework. homework. B’s? C’s? Fuck. Stress, breakdowns, I cant do it. School missed. 15 days. GIRLFRIEND?? BESTFRIEND?? Im so confused..
I would continue but theres so much more, and lots of gaps no one knows about. thats not even addressing my mental state. Just things that happened to me
I just needed to get it out
ok bye
1 comment
Oh. I can do mine. Terrible childhood. Alcoholic father. Molest me every night. Molested by 2 others. School didn’t matter. Graduate High School. Come up with plan that I can’t stay alive unless I move away from my disgusting parents. Move out for a year. Come back. 2 times in mental hospital. Raped and abused by family members. 2 more times in mental hospital. Raped and abused by family members again. Have only two choice, be raped and abused or live homeless through dark winters. I’m going to choose homeless or dead route, but I have to finish probation. I had 2 beers and drove home 3 hours later and got a DUI. I will probably never be able to drive again so….. I am probably going to kill myself soon. My car was the only way to leave the abusive environment. I kept trying to leave state and live in car, but I am not the owner. I frequented idea of suicide in grade 7, but I decided on it by grade 9 or 10, was 100% certain I would end my life soon by grade 11. So that was 6 years ago I think. My plan was buy shotgun when I was legal age. They have all this phony bullshit about gun control. That only stupid religious bastards give a shit about. Everyone’s so fucking god damn stupid around here. The stupid motherfuckers just make my suicide harder and my life not worth living.