I have been gearing up to commit suicide for some time. I tried twice quite a few years ago, and I came close a couple of times recently and then decided to stick around and keep trying. But It is clear now that the damage is irreparable and I need out.
My best friend keeps trying to offer hope by suggesting that I try applying for other jobs. Jobs I know I will never get. She means well and she is trying so hard to help. But I am at the end of the line and there just is no hope left at this point.
I really wish that I could just say a proper goodbye to her before I go. I suppose I could leave a note or send an email on a time delay or something but I’d like to actually say it to her out loud. Here is what I would say to my friend if it were a socially acceptable conversation:
“You are like the older sister that I never had. You looked out for me, and you believed in me when no else did, not even me. I have known you for less than a year but it feels like forever. I can’t even remember what it was like not having you in my life.
You went to such great lengths to try to help me, and I am forever grateful. I don’t know how many cumulative hours we spent waiting in the ER together, but I do know that no one, not even my mom or dad, has ever spent that much time holding my hand in an ER. You made me feel less alone. You made me feel like I was loved no matter what and no else ever really made me feel like that.
My whole life I have always dreamed of having a best friend. I didn’t dream of marrying Prince Charming, I dreamt of finally finding a Barbra Hershey to my Bette Mildler (Beaches), or a Rachel Griffiths to my Toni Collette (Muriel’s Wedding). My favourite scene in Grey’s Anatomy is the one where Meredith hugs Cristina in the bar and says “you’re my person”. I always wanted a person, and I felt like you were that person. I am really happy to have experienced that before I died.
I want you to know that there was nothing you could have done to stop this. I tried so hard to see the hope that you had for me, and I wanted so badly to make you proud. But there was just too much damage. I couldn’t fix it. I steered my ship right into an ice berg and there was nothing left to salvage.
After 20 years of fighting these demons, I’m ready to raise the white flag and surrender. This isn’t the path you would have chosen for me, I know, but it was the right decision for me. Please just trust me on this.
Please take care of yourself. I know you are going to succeed wildly in your new business endeavour. The world really needs your talent and I hope you continue to use it well.
Please do not worry that there was something you could have said or done to stop me. There isn’t. I know you don’t get it but please just accept that this was the choice I made and let me go.“
4 comments
What would your suicide note to yourself sound like?
Hmmm…that’s a really interesting question. Something like “well this is going to really hurt but you deserve it. Life wasn’t cruel to you. You were not a victim of circumstance. You were given chance upon chance upon chance. You ruined every single one. You have no one to blame but yourself. I guess the one thing I will say for you is that you kept trying through all those years. In a way, that was brave. But that counts for very little because no matter how hard you tried you managed to wreck every opportunity that came your way. I don’t know what is wrong with you. Maybe you had a death wish all along and that is why you burned every bridge you crossed. Or maybe you really do have some mental health condition that hasn’t been properly treated. Or maybe you are just a total moron and incapable of doing anything. Whatever went wrong you are at the end of the line. Better luck in…whatever comes next. Oh and PS don’t fuck this up too”
That’s a very well written, conscientious note.
Thanks. Maybe I will send it after all in a time delayed email. Or in an old fashioned letter.