It’s been a while and I felt like checking in. It’s nice to be able to be truly open every once in a while, not only nice but necessary.
Well for once I’m not writing while extremely suicidal or depressed. I have my issues, but I seem to have a handle on things for the most part lately. Honestly I think the St. John’s Wort I’ve been taking for months now has helped.
The vacation is almost here and soon I’ll get to go home. I have someone new in my life, it’s very recent but he’s been so sweet and fun, and I’m dreading seeing him again. Not sure why. It just makes me so anxious, and I suddenly wish he’d leave me alone. I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for a relationship, but at least I got some experience, right? It’s been bugging me, because on the one hand I want to be left alone and on the other I’m too lonely. Whatever happens, I still lose.
And my friends, if I can call them that… I went through all this trouble to buy them Christmas presents only to be blown off for the more important people in their lives, people who are social and happy and don’t spend days hiding in their beds. I’d love to spend my last days before going home just relaxing and spending a bit of time with my friends, instead I’m being ignored by the people I want to see, and bothered by guys who make me anxious. Honestly, I can’t wait until they all leave and I still have a few days here and can just do my own thing. Clearly I’m a walking contradiction and am setting myself up for disappointment.
I’ve been thinking about going to therapy, it’s crossed my mind multiple times since coming here actually, but now I’m thinking about it again. What if it can actually help? What if some pills will make me not feel this way anymore? Isn’t it worth a shot? But it’s also terrifying. I don’t know, I can’t do it until after my vacation at the very least, so I guess I’ll see.
And that’s what’s been going on with me, although I’m sure none of you are interested.
1 comment
Hi PurpleK! I actually completely understand how you feel. I feel this way a good 96% of the time. The one guy who loves and pays attention to me, I’m pushing away. Half the time I don’t even know I’m doing it. Im driving myself crazy. Even my friends, who I’ve known for years, I don’t trust. I feel like whats the point of trying so hard to be happy and go out with them when I know they could just hang out with someone who doesn’t have to even try to be happy and fun. I don’t know what to do, I’m tired of trying so hard.