Coming clean, I had psychopathic needs.

  January 28th, 2018 by Urm8451n

Few years ago, I was a dead boy walking down the school’s corridors. Walking back, forth, between rooms for each class, and from there back to the empty house.

I always had knew what was expecting me at that house.
I always feared from those ‘good’ days. I was so.. under pressure, I could have felt that life is a – if you enjoy today, tomorrow you will be in sorrow, and if you are really lucky, your suffering will start from the same day you dared to fucking smile.

I kept my mouth shut for so long, didn’t feel anyone around me. They were merely humans to my own eyes. I perceived them as distortions in my own world.

I always had the dream of going somewhere really far away, from all of those who aren’t in control of their anger and needs, and there for are toxic [example: most of my family which now I have no connection to].
I felt that if a human being is manipulating his own kids for his needs, then something must be pretty fucked up and un-human in their mind.
Even further, I became so scared of being hurt, being blamed, being yelled at, being unable to have normal friendships that I practiced my “emotional intelligent” to the max.

As I grew old, I became a psychopath [ how surprising, lol ?]. I remember being 11, going and kicking around cats, I loved the feeling of abusing them, I still don’t know how I got over that to be honest, or if I even did.

Also when fishing, I tested my ability to go beyond abusive, but caught fishes and used their eyes as my new bait [took them straight out with the hook when they were alive] to catch others.
I remember feeling the need to murder my own brother at age 9 [If I remember right]. I hated him for being so rude to me. I had pleasure of the feeling that I would be sent away somewhere, and would [probably] won’t need to talk to my parents anymore.

I hated my dad too, such an asshole. I still have dreams of beating the shit out of him.

– I never FEEL alive, but when I had sex, skydiving, or any other extreme sport. Each other day is senseless to me –

I remember having nightmares of people dying, later on, each night I had the same dream. It was me running away from zombies, or mutants, or… what ever it were. There was no other human in my dreams. I was the sole person in this world, unable to communicate with other face-like-human creatures, or people I saw in my dreams.
– those dreams first showed when I was 5 or 6.. but they became daily after few years.

Few years later, eight or nine grade, I become aware of other’s people complicity.
It took me time, I never thought about it. It becomes harder to over see the outcomes of social meetings and tougher to manipulate people to what I want.

I started to analyze my friends, and when there was a girl I liked, I would’ve done things to get close to her. I would never manipulate her as much as I could’ve, but would definitely say things I didn’t even felt or meant, but knew they would pool the right strings. I did it so expertly that they had never noticed.

I became so good at it, that I already know how to friend 99% of who I meet with and earn their trust at merely days or hours.

Reading this, would probably make many of you sick, or perhaps un-amused. I never hurt some one, and keep my knowledge and abilities to myself. I understand today what is to hurt someone, and therefor I don’t use people or manipulate them no more. I just live my life aside. All I wish is to be out from here. I don’t want to be around people, I don’t like them. Even about girl friend is something I merely can maintain [and by that I mean to relationship]. It feels like something gets to close to me. And I’m afraid there is someone who would see my real self as much as I can see of others. I wanna stay low profile. I’m better at this, than unleashing the kraken.

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