Nothing feels meaningful or significant. Nothing feels worthwhile. I’m just living because…I’m scared of letting go.
The problem is in me, I know. My maladapted brain, that sees the world as hollow and pointless. Everyone else seems quite capable of finding purpose and fulfillment in life.
But once you’re outside of that, it feels almost impossible to invest in it. Everything you try seems artificial and empty, and nothing leaves a mark in your mind.
Thing is, life without some kind of positive focus feels unbearable. Without a story to tell itself, the mind gets trapped in every negative emotion that comes along.
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I to am struggling to find meaning for my existence. Sometimes I feel like some giant is getting their kicks sticking pins in a doll that looks just like me. I want so badly to be happy. To know that there’s a reason for this.
It’s the things that separate you from the traditional sources of meaning and happiness that determine that struggle – whether or not they are things that can be overcome. In my case I fear not, but I still have delusional hopes buried deep down that refuse to die. I wish I could convince myself that there was a reason for any of this, but I’ve seen too much for that to make sense to me anymore.
I’ve been trying to figure out what separates me from those things. Things used to fall into place once in a while and that would keep me going. But it’s been a while since I could enjoy even being around friends. I isolate myself. I tell myself that everyone is better off without me. I’m building barriers and hating myself for doing it.
Why do you think you stopped enjoying being around people?
I have a few theories about that. I’m simplifying.
I. I don’t deserve to be happy. And depriving myself of social contact is punishment.
2. By breaking off contact, I am preparing myself mentally for dying.
3. I don’t feel like I fit in. I’m a loner.
4. Depression.
5. It’s another form of self harm.
6. I feel ugly and am embarrassed by my appearance.
Me too am very professional at making myself depressed.
Anytime i find anything positive or any meaning my brain starts to kill it with negative questions and ideas. Sometimes it doesn’t even give me time to think about it. Nowadays i use his own “weapon” to shut him up. With questions like : “what if youre wrong?”
I just say it to him and try not to hear him anymore. He’s just bla bla bla.
And sometimes i just slapt him in the mouth instantly. Law of physics: a thing with energy is faster than anything without energy.
(Im faster bi**)
if Anything or anyone uses a formation to tackle others, it doesn’t mean it knows how to deal with that formation as an enemy. Because if it knew, it would use another formation.
sorry if im too energetic. Im just trying to be use/helpful.
I learned these things from the second book of Mark Manson.
You can download the pdf for free.
Sorry if he’s just a little too much impolite:))