Even if I wanted to live, I can’t afford the luxury of living. I lost my job of 17 years, I can’t find another job that even comes close to covering my basic expenses so I can meekly exist and go on in misery. I’m not afraid to work at one point I was holding down three jobs just to pay the bills and sleeping 3 hours a day. Now I have nothing, no job, no prospects, no opportunities and as always no money. No money is the reoccurring theme of my life, I wonder how much I could accomplish if the money factor was taken out of my life. I have always had money problems and that constant worry, that constant anxiety of stressing out about how I am going to pay this or cover that or even eat. Once I was so broke I didn’t eat for 21 days, need a weight loss program try poverty, immediate results guaranteed. In my life every year that ended in 8 has been an absolute disaster and guess what year it is 2018, and it is starting off great to, no money, no job, no prospects, no opportunities. I am not going to be able to afford to live to the end of February so the plan is on because I have no alternative.
Lets not forget that a 7 year relationship ended abruptly and painfully two years ago and I am emotionally wrecked. I really tried hard on that relationship. She took the cats and the one cat I miss terribly because the one cat use to follow me around the house she was my little shadow and I miss her to, but maybe that is for the best because when I kill myself I won’t have to worry about the cats well being.
The only thing I ever did well in my life was write music, I have over 500 songs on a hard drive that I can’t release because I don’t have the money to finish them and give them the proper production value they deserve. Writing music keeps my depression demons away so I constantly write in futility knowing that the music will never be heard. I don’t expect to make millions if I released the music, but it could possibly lead to a job in music or working for company needing music composition. The dream is dead and so am I inside now if I could just kill the rest of me, I would finally have peace.
2 comments
Im in the same situation as you except I cannot write songs
I don’t know what to say to you, I know that if you are going through the same situation as I am then I am truly sorry. It really is a miserable existence. Songwriting is the only thing that gets me through incredibly painful severe depression, but it is a double edged sword. Writing music helps with overcoming depression but when you write something that you believe to be good and you want to share it with the world but you can’t because you don’t have the money to produce it to a professional level to release it. Then you become even more depressed at the futility of the labor.
I feel trapped like I am in quicksand, I might possibly have a way out to overcome my demons through songwriting but I don’t have the money to make that a reality. So I am trapped the feeling of quicksand comes in when you realize that time is running out. You don’t even have the money to exist as a human and then a darker even more severe depression sets in and you become paralyzed with depression. You can no longer write, and begin planning your death. Then you make all kinds of stupid decisions based on the fact that you will be dead soon so you feel any actions you take will not have consequences because you won’t be alive to see the consequences of your dangerous actions.
The problem occurs when the suicide attempt fails and you wake up the next day in an even worse position then you were before the planning of your now failed suicide attempt.
It is pure misery and an insufferable way to live. I think I have worked out all the bugs in my suicide plan this time.