Straight to the point: I don’t feel like I belong here. On this earth, in this life, in this universe. Whatever that means. What does “belonging here” look like exactly? I’m not entirely sure. It’s not something that I have completely pinned down. If I had to say, I think what it means to “belong here” is to feel some sense of purpose, some drive towards a certain goal. This may be a bit too unrealistic; I may have this idea based off of the many works of fiction that I consume.
And the problem is, I don’t feel that. Like, at all. No motivation towards much of anything at all. No identity, either. I’m just basically a big sack of nothing, at the whims of other people who do have identities. Which I guess isn’t totally a bad thing. At least, I didn’t use to think so. I thought I was just being considerate, putting others desires before myself. That’s good, right?!? And yet here I am, an undeveloped sack of nothing. I thought I had found something to call my own when I had first gone to church with my friend. I thought I could call myself “Christian” and be satisfied. That I finally have something in my identity that is mine. I was wrong.
I don’t think I have the physiology to “commit” to anything long term. I can’t focus on things too far into the future; I like experiencing things in the moment. So out go relationships and any type of long term belief, even if part of me may want them. I just can’t. It’s so pathetic, but I don’t know what to do.
I wish I could work myself up to killing myself. Rid this world of the abomination that is me. I wish I could do that, but I never have been able to. So I’m just stuck here, hoping that maybe I’ll die in my sleep or something. Or maybe there is some sort of God or other being who will eventually take pity on me and put me out of my misery. Anything really. I’ve been waiting so long…
I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. Thanks for reading it. I don’t know how much advice any of you could offer me, but I’ll accept anything you’re willing to share. Have a good evening
3 comments
Welcome to the zoo, kid. It sounds like you are in a very sad and lonely place right now. Well, here, you have company.
The best advice I can give you is threefold:
Find a counselor. A good one. One you relate to and who gives usable advice.
Learn something new or revisit an old hobby, or a cause (animal welfare), and
Give yourself some leeway for grace for self forgiveness and grace to be you.
Feel free to share your ideas and opinions on other peoples’ posts as well. We’re a bit ragtag and somewhat dysfunctional, but you can find someone to listen, even if no one responds.
there’s no purpose in life, it’s blank you can do whatever, some have kids, some work and work and work, some give their life to others, some think only about themselves.
since life makes no sense, we should be allowed to kill ourselves whenever things get bad, why suffer for nothing ? then, much of the time it is easier to live than to die. Suicide is a big project, not an easy one.
i found happiness even if life makes no sense. Then after happiness comes the desire to help others. We’ll die anyway. Why not help others in the process. After you’re dead, nothing will matter. We should not take life so seriously.
I feel like that too tonight. Like a useless sack of nothing. Lately i’d been doing better too, but ran into the wrong person and here I am again. Today’s just a bad day though, and has thankfully been a more rare ofference since implementing some of the things discussed in the books mentioned below.
“The Depression Cure” a book has a science based (drugless) plan that seems to help a lot of people with depression who aren’t helped by the normal drugs . I’ve been doing some of the steps and had been much better until my chance encounter today.
“The Rhythm of Life” by Matthew Kelly is more of a Christian philosophical kind of book not really focused on depression, but rather on Kelly’s musings about life. I have found it quite helpful as well. He talks a lot about what makes life worthwhile, and what makes people truely happy.