I Don’t Belong Here

January 13th, 2018by crying1997

Straight to the point: I don’t feel like I belong here. On this earth, in this life, in this universe. Whatever that means. What does “belonging here” look like exactly? I’m not entirely sure. It’s not something that I have completely pinned down. If I had to say, I think what it means to “belong here” is to feel some sense of purpose, some drive towards a certain goal. This may be a bit too unrealistic; I may have this idea based off of the many works of fiction that I consume.

And the problem is, I don’t feel that. Like, at all. No motivation towards much of anything at all. No identity, either. I’m just basically a big sack of nothing, at the whims of other people who do have identities. Which I guess isn’t totally a bad thing. At least, I didn’t use to think so. I thought I was just being considerate, putting others desires before myself. That’s good, right?!? And yet here I am, an undeveloped sack of nothing. I thought I had found something to call my own when I had first gone to church with my friend. I thought I could call myself “Christian” and be satisfied. That I finally have something in my identity that is mine. I was wrong.

I don’t think I have the physiology to “commit” to anything long term. I can’t focus on things too far into the future; I like experiencing things in the moment. So out go relationships and any type of long term belief, even if part of me may want them. I just can’t. It’s so pathetic, but I don’t know what to do.

I wish I could work myself up to killing myself. Rid this world of the abomination that is me. I wish I could do that, but I never have been able to. So I’m just stuck here, hoping that maybe I’ll die in my sleep or something. Or maybe there is some sort of God or other being who will eventually take pity on me and put me out of my misery. Anything really. I’ve been waiting so long…

I just needed to get all of this off of my chest. Thanks for reading it. I don’t know how much advice any of you could offer me, but I’ll accept anything you’re willing to share. Have a good evening

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