I’m ready but it always seems like something is in the way…

  January 6th, 2018 by chickenlil

I’m starting to feel like the universe or god or something is making it very hard for me to kill myself. I tried to hang myself two months ago and a friend of mine ended up calling the cops and they sent me to a mental hospital where I ended up staying for a day and then I got sent to the medical side of the hospital but that is another story for another time. When I got out of the hospital I started getting High again and drinking. I ended up running my car into a guard rail head on going 60 MPH and nothing ended up happening to me other then my car getting totaled and I bruised my shoulder. Now that it’s been while I’ve been thinking of a new way, a sure fire way to end my life but I’m thinking that it’s not going to happen this time or something will stop it like it has been. Between friends stoping it or bc I live with a room mate who is always home when I seem to be home so I never get some alone time to off myself. So bc of that I can not slip into the bathroom and try to hang myself like I want to do.

I got it all planed out to. I’m on methadone so I was planing on taking my regular dose, then taking another dose to up the anti and then take 3 or 4 pills of Xanax to kill the nerves I would have going into it. And hanging myself with my scarf in the bathroom. It just seems like when ever my friend isn’t home then someone else is here hanging out with me so I can never get some alone time. It’s like ever time I’ve overdosed (6 times) I’ve always been found or someone hears it and because of that I get revived and hit with narcan and that brings me back to life again.

I don’t understand it, I’ve buried ppl bc of them overdosing on drugs. I’ve lost my cousin and a good friend to drugs both of them overdosing on it. But me, nope, no I don’t get the sweet ending of death. Nope, rather then that I just get to be revived and I have to face all of my bullshit, all of my issues still hit me square in the face but this time it always seems like it’s worse somehow. Each time I try to kill myself and I end up surving, somehow it always seems like everything is worse. Like I sink a little bit lower in life. Like I become a bigger dissappointment to everyone around me. I get looked at like some plague that no one wants to have. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I thought for sure that crashing into the guard rail would work but that didn’t. I had an old childhood friend die by hitting head 1st into a pole on the side of the road. He wasn’t drinking or under the influence of any illegal or legal drugs but he some how dies. Now can anyone tell me how and the hell that is? You have someone who wasn’t even trying to kill them selves and they end up dying anyway but here you have me who has planed his death down to the smallest detail and some how I end up living, can you tell me how that is?

My other options, ways that I would try and kill my self by carbon monoxide poisoning. My plan for this was to go to home depto and buy an exhaust hose to go on the end of my exhaust pipe and the other end would go into my window. This one would be a bit tricky bc I don’t have a garage like I wished so I would have to do this method outside somewhere to insure my demise. That being said I can see a lot of issues with this, one of the biggest issue would be that around where I live it’s surrounded by a lot of people and bc it’s by a main road there’s cars always coming and going thru out the night so finding a spot to park and not being noticed would be very hard if not difficult. And then would be the part of taping the hose to the side of my car and parking it in a way where no one would notice what I’m doing or seeing the hose where it would be in my window. My other option that I had is the one that I already mentioned and that’s the one where I’m hanging in the bathroom with my scarf around my neck. The only issue that I’ve had with this one is that I can never get one night alone by myself where I could do it.

I was really hoping that my friend would work tonight since he often works nights at his second job but no dice tonight. With my luck he will work tomorrow night and bc my girlfriend has off tomorrow from her job and babysitting she’s going to want to spend time with me and even spend the night. Not that I don’t mind spending time with her but it always seems like that’s the case. My friend works and I have the house to myself and my girlfriend spends the night. But when she’s working and babysitting and she’s not around me, then that is when it seems like my room mate is home and off that night so I can never do it then.

For those of you who are thinking to your self, “well why doesn’t he do it in the morning and not at night time?” Well smart ass I would but there’s some issues with that as well. For one, if my friend works that night and my girlfriend is over and spent the night I can’t do it then bc one she’s still there and my friend gets off of work at 6 in the morning so he gets home at 7. So that wouldn’t work either. I wish I could do it in the morning, he’ll anytime would work for me. The only issue is that there’s only one bathroom in The Whole house so I can’t just go and off myself anytime I want, no I have to wait for the right time to do it. A time when no one is there and no one will be there for awhile. This is to make sure that no one would interpreted it and cause me to have a very unsuccessful suicide. Or worse, someone would find me and cut me down at a time when I’m not yet dead thus causing brain damage to myself all bc I got taken down too soon. This within it’s self would be my luck given my track record with this whole killing myself thing.

So like I’ve said before and like I’m sure you already know by now from reading this. (If you have read down this far cootos to you sir or ms). That killing myself is harder then it would seem and it seems like something (god, universe, etc) is stopping this from happening. Well with all that being said, my mom didn’t raise a quitter so I’m going to keep on trying till I can one day get it right. Hopefully that will be tomorrow, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my friend works and that I’ll finally be alone to do what I need to do. It seems like lately when ever I get the notion that I will be alone at night I get super happy and excited. But then when I see that, that’s not the case I get really angry and down, depressed to the point of wanting to cry all bc I can’t get to do what I need to do. It seems like this notion of wanting to kill my self has gone to wanting, to now, a sense of urgency. That my head is now telling me that I have to die. That there’s no other way out of this then dying at my own hands. I’ve let my problems build up too much this time. I’ve dug my hole too deep and this time I can’t climb out to fill it back in and fix it all. I can’t fix everything that I’ve done these past months and I honestly don’t want to try anymore. I’m tired and ready to go. I just wish that life would see it. I wish that god or the world would see it and let me go already. Stop trying to hold on to me and let me go free. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that it happens. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get another shot at this. If there’s one thing that I have hope in it is that. I won’t pray to die in my sleep tonight bc I know that would be a joke within it’s self. I mean come on, if I can’t die awake and doing my best to off myself what would make me think that some how something magical would happen and I would end up dying in my sleep peacefully. Well I’m going to bed tomorrow’s another day. Hopefully though I won’t be talking to you guys tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll find some peace and be where I want to be. And that’s dead, not having to deal with responsibilities, stress, and my life. The things that eat away at me every time I open my eyes in the morning.

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