I’m starting to feel like the universe or god or something is making it very hard for me to kill myself. I tried to hang myself two months ago and a friend of mine ended up calling the cops and they sent me to a mental hospital where I ended up staying for a day and then I got sent to the medical side of the hospital but that is another story for another time. When I got out of the hospital I started getting High again and drinking. I ended up running my car into a guard rail head on going 60 MPH and nothing ended up happening to me other then my car getting totaled and I bruised my shoulder. Now that it’s been while I’ve been thinking of a new way, a sure fire way to end my life but I’m thinking that it’s not going to happen this time or something will stop it like it has been. Between friends stoping it or bc I live with a room mate who is always home when I seem to be home so I never get some alone time to off myself. So bc of that I can not slip into the bathroom and try to hang myself like I want to do.
I got it all planed out to. I’m on methadone so I was planing on taking my regular dose, then taking another dose to up the anti and then take 3 or 4 pills of Xanax to kill the nerves I would have going into it. And hanging myself with my scarf in the bathroom. It just seems like when ever my friend isn’t home then someone else is here hanging out with me so I can never get some alone time. It’s like ever time I’ve overdosed (6 times) I’ve always been found or someone hears it and because of that I get revived and hit with narcan and that brings me back to life again.
I don’t understand it, I’ve buried ppl bc of them overdosing on drugs. I’ve lost my cousin and a good friend to drugs both of them overdosing on it. But me, nope, no I don’t get the sweet ending of death. Nope, rather then that I just get to be revived and I have to face all of my bullshit, all of my issues still hit me square in the face but this time it always seems like it’s worse somehow. Each time I try to kill myself and I end up surving, somehow it always seems like everything is worse. Like I sink a little bit lower in life. Like I become a bigger dissappointment to everyone around me. I get looked at like some plague that no one wants to have. I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I thought for sure that crashing into the guard rail would work but that didn’t. I had an old childhood friend die by hitting head 1st into a pole on the side of the road. He wasn’t drinking or under the influence of any illegal or legal drugs but he some how dies. Now can anyone tell me how and the hell that is? You have someone who wasn’t even trying to kill them selves and they end up dying anyway but here you have me who has planed his death down to the smallest detail and some how I end up living, can you tell me how that is?
My other options, ways that I would try and kill my self by carbon monoxide poisoning. My plan for this was to go to home depto and buy an exhaust hose to go on the end of my exhaust pipe and the other end would go into my window. This one would be a bit tricky bc I don’t have a garage like I wished so I would have to do this method outside somewhere to insure my demise. That being said I can see a lot of issues with this, one of the biggest issue would be that around where I live it’s surrounded by a lot of people and bc it’s by a main road there’s cars always coming and going thru out the night so finding a spot to park and not being noticed would be very hard if not difficult. And then would be the part of taping the hose to the side of my car and parking it in a way where no one would notice what I’m doing or seeing the hose where it would be in my window. My other option that I had is the one that I already mentioned and that’s the one where I’m hanging in the bathroom with my scarf around my neck. The only issue that I’ve had with this one is that I can never get one night alone by myself where I could do it.
I was really hoping that my friend would work tonight since he often works nights at his second job but no dice tonight. With my luck he will work tomorrow night and bc my girlfriend has off tomorrow from her job and babysitting she’s going to want to spend time with me and even spend the night. Not that I don’t mind spending time with her but it always seems like that’s the case. My friend works and I have the house to myself and my girlfriend spends the night. But when she’s working and babysitting and she’s not around me, then that is when it seems like my room mate is home and off that night so I can never do it then.
For those of you who are thinking to your self, “well why doesn’t he do it in the morning and not at night time?” Well smart ass I would but there’s some issues with that as well. For one, if my friend works that night and my girlfriend is over and spent the night I can’t do it then bc one she’s still there and my friend gets off of work at 6 in the morning so he gets home at 7. So that wouldn’t work either. I wish I could do it in the morning, he’ll anytime would work for me. The only issue is that there’s only one bathroom in The Whole house so I can’t just go and off myself anytime I want, no I have to wait for the right time to do it. A time when no one is there and no one will be there for awhile. This is to make sure that no one would interpreted it and cause me to have a very unsuccessful suicide. Or worse, someone would find me and cut me down at a time when I’m not yet dead thus causing brain damage to myself all bc I got taken down too soon. This within it’s self would be my luck given my track record with this whole killing myself thing.
So like I’ve said before and like I’m sure you already know by now from reading this. (If you have read down this far cootos to you sir or ms). That killing myself is harder then it would seem and it seems like something (god, universe, etc) is stopping this from happening. Well with all that being said, my mom didn’t raise a quitter so I’m going to keep on trying till I can one day get it right. Hopefully that will be tomorrow, I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my friend works and that I’ll finally be alone to do what I need to do. It seems like lately when ever I get the notion that I will be alone at night I get super happy and excited. But then when I see that, that’s not the case I get really angry and down, depressed to the point of wanting to cry all bc I can’t get to do what I need to do. It seems like this notion of wanting to kill my self has gone to wanting, to now, a sense of urgency. That my head is now telling me that I have to die. That there’s no other way out of this then dying at my own hands. I’ve let my problems build up too much this time. I’ve dug my hole too deep and this time I can’t climb out to fill it back in and fix it all. I can’t fix everything that I’ve done these past months and I honestly don’t want to try anymore. I’m tired and ready to go. I just wish that life would see it. I wish that god or the world would see it and let me go already. Stop trying to hold on to me and let me go free. Maybe tomorrow will be the day that it happens. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get another shot at this. If there’s one thing that I have hope in it is that. I won’t pray to die in my sleep tonight bc I know that would be a joke within it’s self. I mean come on, if I can’t die awake and doing my best to off myself what would make me think that some how something magical would happen and I would end up dying in my sleep peacefully. Well I’m going to bed tomorrow’s another day. Hopefully though I won’t be talking to you guys tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll find some peace and be where I want to be. And that’s dead, not having to deal with responsibilities, stress, and my life. The things that eat away at me every time I open my eyes in the morning.
5 comments
Nah it sounds like it’s not god or the universe but your “friends” are what’s stopping you man they must have nothing better to do they sound like terrible people…..
yeah I’ve got the same as you I’ve been trying to kill myself since 11 or 12 years old that’s when I decided nothing would be better than death and every day living is a terrible experience that I’d never want to have.
The exhaust pipe idea is good but I do not have a car that I can use. (I never thought about that before all I knew was I had no garage I could do it in and I was thinking of buying a storage unit garage and sneaking in after hours at night then sitting in car all night looked in my unit) I tried months ago to get a new battery for the car I used that was dead. It’s 75$ or something (like I’ve never had a job or income) I was trying to drive to a cliff to jump off to end my life but then I got a DUI (I was driving because I hate my family who own the house so the only time I’m “OK” is when I’m away from them, I was drinking because I was raped the night before and I was going to drink one last time before driving to the cliff a few hours out the next day and jumping off.)
The cops in this state are bad news I know one cop molested me as a child and they don’t get any more professional than that around here.
It’s random because that is nothing that I would ever do…..like rape people and shit…. I can’t believe it when it happens… I’d never even think of doing anything like that to….. ANY ONE. But then again there are also COPS that KILL and NURSES that SHOVE NEEDLES IN YOUR ARMS (is that oxymoron? Isn’t that opposite of their job responsiviliies)
Any way so I bought a shotgun 2 years when I was 21 ago after trying to be able to buy a shotgun since 16. I was up all night waiting to transfer the gun into the car from the rental all night and I was SO ECSTATIC AND RELIEVED and just OVERJOYED. I’ve wanted to die since 11 it had been 10 years I was trying for nothing other than to get a shotgun since 16 it had been 5 years. I finally had the gun all I had to do was drive off into outback and pull the trigger. I got my car back and transferred shotgun into trunk. The only thing I was worried about was I didn’t know how my parents would get there car back from way off into yonder that I would kill myself. I have to take a nap because I had been up all night and it took a days work to get out and do it. I wake up to child molester looking cops screaming in my face. And then I go to mental hospital where I am raped I try to tell them I was raped and they say “I MADE IT UP” that it was IMAGINARY. Because I was ASLEEP ON AMBIEN and I DIDNT OPEN MY EYES TO SEE THE GUY AND I HAD NO EVIDENCE. That was before my DUI. When I had my car I accidentally ran into some guys tail when I was distracted worrying about this electric chainsaw I was going to buy for real cheap to behead myself and then I had to take it to shop. Every day I would go out and donate plasma because I couldn’t get a job so I could go out and buy a gun from the pawn shops when I saved up the money. (I did not know at the time if you even have one stay in a mental facility on your records then you can’t purchase a fire arm) – that leaves me with no suicide ability and no protection from rapists or just bad people. The mental hospital was no help at all they think pills will stop you from killing yourself. No way in hell would a pill stop me. But it didn’t ruin my remaining will. I don’t know what else to say but I hope to overdose soon and hope it will work. Been planning my overdose since I collected the necessary pills since July. It gets worse every day. I don’t know if I will for sure die so I hesitate on taking them the last time I tried overdose I thought it was painful.
I’m sorry *did* ruin my remaining will
My “parents” who I’ve been trying to leave their home and disown legally so they can’t throw me around like a rag doll in and out of mental facilities (they are quite the abusive group) are very against the idea that I am going to kill myself. I don’t think they should have a say, it is my life. I don’t listen to anything they say I’ve hated them since I was 6 or 7. Bad people. Anyway, if there’s one thing I’d want to do before I kill my self I’d like to disown them but I can’t get to the court house to do it I have no license. I have the ability to get my license but my mom thinks I don’t need it. So sadly when I kill my self they will probably say something like I am legally their daughter although I would love to not have anything to do with them since a child. I frequently tell her I would have preferred growing up in a foster home they have always been terrible to me and they didn’t deserve me in their life, ever. I guess I’m actually typing this because I was going to wake up this morning at 9 and go overdose myself to death in the outback but I woke up early and instead of listening to retards talk I can come here and spit the truth.
OK, It’s hard to read your post because it makes me feel like I’m going to have a heart attack. Could you please funnel your energy into another direction? If you just GET UP AND JUMP UP AND DOWN AND TELL YOURself a funny joke. Change up your routine. Pattern interrupter! OK, now logically. If you have the time and energy to think about ways to die; then think about ways to live. YES ..>>GOD is stopping you and telling you to go another path. My older son has said the same kinds of things you said. So many people around him die ….but he gets in a car accident and lives.
The day my younger son killed himself, I was so distracted. My sister was going to ask him to do something but decided against it. My mom was going to have him over from dinner but never called him. I was going to check on him but was in a hurry. That’s THREE people right there who could have possibly prevented him. If God put people in the way and thwarted your plans; then YES it’s a message. Yes, it’s a sign. That’s not to say it was my son’s time. But I think God gave him a choice. Listen. Maybe you have something you need to do. Maybe God needs you here. Again, that’s not to say the world didn’t need my son. I don’t know why God didn’t send anyone to stop him that day. Please don’t put your mom through the pain I’m in. Not just me but his friends, his brother, his other relatives. I know it’s hard to have addictions. You know you are not alone in that. It’s an epidemic. Please be the person who figures out how to overcome and then help other people overcome it. If you did that one thing, you would be an angel in this world.
I completely understand