January 28th, 2018 by thehusk

It’s hard to see meaning in life when you’re a monster. I mean, you can dedicate yourself to becoming the best monster you can be, to reducing your monstrosity from this point forward. But you’re still going to be a fucking monster. You still belong in a cage. There are no cookies for trying to walk things back a little, not after you’ve crossed so many unforgivable lines. There’s no way back. There’s nothing you can do from this point on to make you morally acceptable. And sure, people may encourage you to try, if they can put their anger and disgust to one side for a little. But they’ll always have to keep you at arms length. Because you’re still a monster, and ultimately they’d still rather see you in a cage.

So you’ll always be walking that road alone. And it doesn’t really lead anywhere. Why bother? Because there’s nothing else to do? That won’t really get you out of bed in the morning. You may as well be dead. But it takes a lot to override survival instinct, or the subconscious conviction that somehow things will magically change, and you’ll be redeemed. That the slate will be wiped clean.

It doesn’t really matter whether you live or die. Nothing about you matters anymore. As long as you behave yourself and keep your distance, or preferably stay in your cage, then no one has any reason to give a fuck. You’re a monster, so now you’re nothing.

But it’s hard to accept that. Because although you’re a monster, you’re also human. And humans need some form of positive emotion to motivate them in the long term. If nothing feels meaningful, and there’s no real hope of that changing at any point in the future, then how do you function? How do you keep walking, when you know that there’s no destination? Just a long, weary trudge, until you finally collapse. How do you not retreat into denial and delusion, when the alternative is the loneliest place in the world? Why take responsibility for anything, if doing so will never make you tolerable? Why try to be better, when trying will make no real difference to the road you’re walking?

It’s hard to see meaning in anything. It’ll always be so much easier to run in the opposite direction, while desperately trying to convince yourself that nothing is wrong.

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