“there is but one philosophical problem, and that is suicide”
Albert Camus
I usually skim through this website as a lurker, so this is my first post. I am unsure how to title this but I hope people will find this note nevertheless. What can I say? I am aged 28, male, intelligent, ambitious, and attractive. Throughout my life, I have been good at sport, physically agile, and had a can-do attitude. I loved living once. I had grown so much as a man in my past 5 years and enjoyed a spurt of good health. I had a loving family throughout my life. I was at peak of my game once , and topped long distance running records of 3 schools as well as high Jumping. And an odd ball who could find joy in being alone. I possess an innate talent in music and gotten interest from my school. Too bad I never pursued it. I was a talented kid who excelled in any field I put my mind to. I embarked on a journey to cherish my passion for science and eventually decided on a degree in electronics engineering…
It all changed 2 years ago when I was in my 2nd year, attending the dorm rooms with my brother Eric at my University. I started paying more attention to my teeth and flossed twice a day. I was warned about not flossing and the cavities it could lead to. So I became obsessed. I have a long history involved in obsessive behaviours so this is not green to me. I started flossing with plastic pics after I heard they are better at cleaning your teeth and soon noticed very painful gums appearing between my 2 back molars soon after I used them. This was a turn of the tides for me.
I ceased flossing so obsessively and became more gentle after a dental visit that year. I got an x ray taken and it appeared my guns receded. The damage have been done already. The gum never regrown and in around 3 months time, I sat at a Denny’s restaurant one night and got a terrible headache all of a sudden, I had noticed coming from inside my mouth. As I pressed against the gum, between my 2 Back teeth and on top of one, I noticed it was tender and painful. I had to exit the restaurant as I was in too much pain to eat. Needing-less to say, it never got any better and I never got to the finish line of turmoil. The pain usually rotates in a form of lingering sensitivity, to shooting pains, following by times where I would feel no pain or mild sensitivity. But usually the worst at nights. I could not sleep at night as I was haunted by sharp needle- like pains radiating from my gum line to my brain and left eye. After weeks I became tired of this war and booked an appointment at a dental office. We eventually made it to the dentist and after 6 dental visits the only thing they could detect was exposed dentin because of vigurous flossing habits. Apparently this can only bring tooth sensitivity when exposed to a stimulus. But I experience pain almost on a constant basis? They could see nothing further wrong and thought I was crazy acting out pain that is “all in my head”; although I could clearly see in some lighting conditions there is a darker tint where the gum is painful as well as waking up with a headache on some days. After battling 6 months with this pain I enrolled another year of Uni to finish off my degree in hopes it will leave me. Last year I was enrolled in my final year in Electronics Engineering and stopped going to class as a result of this bickering shooting pains. I managed to pass but not as good as I would have liked to. I became miserable and depressed because of this and stopped socialising as a result. I also ceased my exercise routine which I dearly enjoyed before. I am now at a point in my life tired of waiting for the mist to lift battling with this condition. I have tried creams, fluoride, sensodyne, hypnosis, acupuncture, but to no avail.
On top of this, my tooth roots are curvy so a root canal won’t be an option. I will need an extraction done on a few teeth and then obtain implants if I would want to get rid of pain. Gum grafting is also expensive and thus no option. This will drive me to over 5000 dollar in access and I don’t have coverage so unable pay for it.
I recently met a lady overseas and thought I would be able to save up to go see her in Austria. But how? I thought of getting married and raising kids of my own. I had aspirations of joining the army or police force in hopes of following my passio further. I would not get a chance to do this unfortunately as my life is in dire straits.
I never knew over flossing can fuck up your life like this. I wish I could turn back the clock 2 years ago but it’s spilled milk now. I live with chronic pain daily and I want out. I hate this. I hate the thought of losing my teeth.
There are many of you who might think “just go to the dentist and get implants” but it’s not that easy. I have also heard of people with dental implants still suffering dental pain following their dental work.
Death is something we view as the mysterious third. The cult of life has a negative view on death because it’s tied to the unknown. We cannot escape death. No argument against death will ever be favourable as it is deficient on its own terms-that we are going to die. I will die soon stripping myself off another x years of torture but at least not having to wake up to a world of pain again. I can’t say I’m not scared, but I have no other option. Life is beyond measure for me and became unbearable to handle.
I would hate to do this to my parents. I hate to be able to exit this life without warning. My brother Eric needs my support and still studying. My parents and I have a friendship that I would hate to end this early; but what can I do? I am not myself anymore. I am better off biting the bullet, calling quits, write a letter to those I loved, explaining my situation, and depart this life on my own terms.
On a positive note,I have had 28 years to life. At least I had a youth and saw the best of times. I saw myself at peak physical condition of which I now notice my decline, and had a time to challenge my intellect. I loved the good life with my sibling, father and mother. I smile when I think back to the old times when I was young and naively thought I had problems; both my grandparents were alive and we enjoyed and celebrated life together. I was a kid, adventurous, with a happy spirit to tackle life to the max. But now, living in such a dysmorphic state is not a life at all – it is torture.The past year I became alien to myself. I am unable to sleep most of the time if at all. My misfortune will not allow me a valuable existence anymore. I am out of words. I want to die.
16 comments
Oh boy, this reminds me that anything can cause someone to commit suicide not just depression. You seem to have a pretty good life but who am I to judge, your suffering like me except chronicly. Try to stay alive for one more day and take pain killers.
You are suffering from mental confusion like most people in their teenage years. It will eventually pass. I notice now that I suffer from pain you can’t just “forget” how easy my life was once. I suffered severe anxiety while in school so much I could not work at all. I am no alien to mental pain.But no, Blimey. Pain killers will only work for a few days before you move to something stronger. I tried aspirin and codeine without any luck. This is a daily nightmare.
Unyielding pain takes everything eventually. It takes your sense of humor, your desire to eat and then it becomes you. And you become pain.
especially one’s desire to continue living, and fighting. All for what? So that we can suffer a couple more years?
I question my motivation to fight pain every day. This past few days makes me want to cut myself open and let it out. Wish it was that simple.
I concur. Last night Was one of the worst nights of my life. As I lay in bed I was unable to sleep thanks to sharp needle like pains in my gums. Sometimes I ask myself: what have I done wrong to deserve this? I am quite the exception to the rule, funnily enough I do make lots if jokes whilst in pain and I do crack jokes. Sometimes I just don’t want to realise how bad it really is. I am sad that some if us are potential-driven but will never get our way. Chronic pain will have it in for us and the door death is sometimes the only way out.
I concur. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. As I lay in bed I was unable to sleep thanks to sharp needle like pains in my gums. Sometimes I ask myself: what have I done wrong to deserve this? I am quite the exception to the rule, funnily enough I do make lots of jokes whilst in pain and I do crack up out of my own ignorance. Sometimes I just don’t want to realise how bad it really is. I am sad that some of us are potential-driven but will never get our way. Chronic pain will have it in for us and the door to death is sometimes the only way out.
Your post reminds me of Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyitch. It’s about a successful, respectable, principles man who has a totally random injury and starts dying slowly and painfully. To be honest it’s the one Tolstoy story I didn’t understand. As in your case, it just doesn’t make sense why someone with a promising future and good intentions would be cut down so senselessly. Maybe if you read it you’ll grasp Tolstoy’s elusive advice (I’m pretty sure it’s meant to be inspiring on some level) but I just didn’t get it. Maybe that’s why we’re all here. We lack the ability to see beyond our pain, even when it’s literally spelled out for us.
It is interesting, I am quite a Tolstoy fan. I searched for a cure to my pain but in the end, it was a tabula rasa.
Tolstoy’s idea of the protagonist being your successful guy but suffering from Incurable pain is exactly a representation of my life. Inductively one can try and find meaning to life whilst in pain, but this is imperative as your efforts will be blank; I for one, unable to sleep most nights because of pain resembling that of trigeminal neuralgia. I battled social anxiety too, so was unable to perform in from of people. So my question is: why should I live in so much agony just to enjoy the bit of pleasure life offers me? I am 28, served my time, challenged myself during my youth. I am starting to age, athletic declination, and more isolated over the years so it is cryptic why I would even be alive till now in the first place. Why should I keep on living?
That’s the million dollar question. I’m in a similar position as you, having ‘fallen from grace’, but in my case there’s no physical pain yet. Weird coincidence, just the other day I randomly googled “toothache suicide” and sure enough there’s a news story about a woman who couldn’t get proper treatment for a toothache so she killed herself. In her case it sounds like the doctors didn’t take her seriously, at one point kicking her out of the hospital to make room for others. Is that the case with you? Would it change anything if you knew doctors were trying new ideas, stronger painkillers, experimental drugs? I feel like that definitely would’ve helped in the case of that lady. If someone gave her hope instead of sending her away.
Oh also I wanted to toss a crazy idea at you. A friend of mine takes cyclosporine (Neoral). Initially the dose was too high, and she reported that her gums started growing over her teeth. Sure enough, if you research cyclosporine, you’ll find that it can cause Gingival Hyperplasia (gum overgrowth). Do you suppose this might actually help your condition?
Only those who suffer from daily chronic pain can understand.
Yes, and no. The dentists could see nothing major wrong with me, although every 3rd day I get a headache and can trace it back to a spot on my gum near 1 tooth. They can’t see anything wrong or just a bit of weared down enamel. But according to that logic I should have sensitive teeth when drinking hot and cold drinks and that doesn’t really happen.
As one gentleman here said, you realise how in the dark the medical field is and there are loads they don’t know yet…
Physical pain of chronic sort cracks the bed for me when suicide is concerned. Especially when it comes to dental pain, there is no way I can get a scheme here in Australia or in New Zealand for dental coverage and even for the rich, a root canal pricing is sky-high. Dentistry in Australasia is too expensive and my dental image is my pride. I always had perfect teeth and prided myself on it. I will not settle for second best. I won’t become another cog in the machine with black fillings and an ugly mouth as a result of expensive dental work that I can’t afford. I won’t lose my teeth and will rather die. I have pride, and this is where I will draw the line.
Only those who suffer from daily chronic pain can understand the torment.
And it is REAL torment.
And yet, we’re told to “just suck it up” or “think happy things.” Pfft.