The enigma of pain

  January 22nd, 2018 by tiredofchronicpain

“there is but one philosophical problem, and that is suicide”

Albert Camus

I usually skim through this website as a lurker, so this is my first post. I am unsure how to title this but I hope people will find this note nevertheless. What can I say? I am aged 28, male, intelligent, ambitious, and attractive. Throughout my life, I have been good at sport, physically agile, and had a can-do attitude. I loved living once. I had grown so much as a man in my past 5 years and enjoyed a spurt of good health. I had a loving family throughout my life. I was at peak of my game once , and topped long distance running records of 3 schools as well as high Jumping. And an odd ball who could find joy in being alone. I possess an innate talent in music and gotten interest from my school. Too bad I never pursued it. I was a talented kid who excelled in any field I put my mind to. I embarked on a journey to cherish my passion for science and eventually decided on a degree in electronics engineering…

It all changed 2 years ago when I was in my 2nd year, attending the dorm rooms with my brother Eric at my University. I started paying more attention to my teeth and flossed twice a day. I was warned about not flossing and the cavities it could lead to. So I became obsessed. I have a long history involved in obsessive behaviours so this is not green to me. I started flossing with plastic pics after I heard they are better at cleaning your teeth and soon noticed very painful gums appearing between my 2 back molars soon after I used them. This was a turn of the tides for me.

I ceased flossing so obsessively and became more gentle after a dental visit that year. I got an x ray taken and it appeared my guns receded. The damage have been done already. The gum never regrown and in around 3 months time, I sat at a Denny’s restaurant one night and got a terrible headache all of a sudden, I had noticed coming from inside my mouth. As I pressed against the gum, between my 2 Back teeth and on top of one, I noticed it was tender and painful. I had to exit the restaurant as I was in too much pain to eat. Needing-less to say, it never got any better and I never got to the finish line of turmoil. The pain usually rotates in a form of lingering sensitivity, to shooting pains, following by times where I would feel no pain or mild sensitivity. But usually the worst at nights. I could not sleep at night as I was haunted by sharp needle- like pains radiating from my gum line to my brain and left eye. After weeks I became tired of this war and booked an appointment at a dental office. We eventually made it to the dentist and after 6 dental visits the only thing they could detect was exposed dentin because of vigurous flossing habits. Apparently this can only bring tooth sensitivity when exposed to a stimulus. But I experience pain almost on a constant basis? They could see nothing further wrong and thought I was crazy acting out pain that is “all in my head”; although I could clearly see in some lighting conditions there is a darker tint where the gum is painful as well as waking up with a headache on some days. After battling 6 months with this pain I enrolled another year of Uni to finish off my degree in hopes it will leave me. Last year I was enrolled in my final year in Electronics Engineering and stopped going to class as a result of this bickering shooting pains. I managed to pass but not as good as I would have liked to. I became miserable and depressed because of this and stopped socialising as a result. I also ceased my exercise routine which I dearly enjoyed before. I am now at a point in my life tired of waiting for the mist to lift battling with this condition. I have tried creams, fluoride, sensodyne, hypnosis, acupuncture, but to no avail.
On top of this, my tooth roots are curvy so a root canal won’t be an option. I will need an extraction done on a few teeth and then obtain implants if I would want to get rid of pain. Gum grafting is also expensive and thus no option. This will drive me to over 5000 dollar in access and I don’t have coverage so unable pay for it.

I recently met a lady overseas and thought I would be able to save up to go see her in Austria. But how? I thought of getting married and raising kids of my own. I had aspirations of joining the army or police force in hopes of following my passio further. I would not get a chance to do this unfortunately as my life is in dire straits.

I never knew over flossing can fuck up your life like this. I wish I could turn back the clock 2 years ago but it’s spilled milk now. I live with chronic pain daily and I want out. I hate this. I hate the thought of losing my teeth.

There are many of you who might think “just go to the dentist and get implants” but it’s not that easy. I have also heard of people with dental implants still suffering dental pain following their dental work.

Death is something we view as the mysterious third. The cult of life has a negative view on death because it’s tied to the unknown. We cannot escape death. No argument against death will ever be favourable as it is deficient on its own terms-that we are going to die. I will die soon stripping myself off another x years of torture but at least not having to wake up to a world of pain again. I can’t say I’m not scared, but I have no other option. Life is beyond measure for me and became unbearable to handle.

I would hate to do this to my parents. I hate to be able to exit this life without warning. My brother Eric needs my support and still studying. My parents and I have a friendship that I would hate to end this early; but what can I do? I am not myself anymore. I am better off biting the bullet, calling quits, write a letter to those I loved, explaining my situation, and depart this life on my own terms.

On a positive note,I have had 28 years to life. At least I had a youth and saw the best of times. I saw myself at peak physical condition of which I now notice my decline, and had a time to challenge my intellect. I loved the good life with my sibling, father and mother. I smile when I think back to the old times when I was young and naively thought I had problems; both my grandparents were alive and we enjoyed and celebrated life together. I was a kid, adventurous, with a happy spirit to tackle life to the max. But now, living in such a dysmorphic state is not a life at all – it is torture.The past year I became alien to myself. I am unable to sleep most of the time if at all. My misfortune will not allow me a valuable existence anymore. I am out of words. I want to die.

Processing your request, Please wait....