Waste

I’ve wasted so much of my life wanting what I can’t have, instead of focusing on what I could have. But I don’t know how to stop – these longings and desires are driven so deep into my brain, and I don’t know how to let go of them. Things that feel so right one minute, yet so terrible the next. That convince that they are the only things worth pursuing in life, yet later appear to be dangerous fantasies.

I’ve been numbing these parts of me for years, but that only works to a certain extent, and it brings other problems. Over time, it saps your desire and ability to live.

So I’m trying to stop doing that, on the off chance that I can somehow find my way back to a normal, fulfilling life. But now these previously numbed parts of me are awake all of the time, making their demands. And the conflict is near constant. I don’t know how to live with it. Having to remind yourself over and over that this thing that seems so wonderful, essential, and natural is in fact dangerous, distorted, and delusional. It’s just miserable…imagine having to constantly shut down the only really strongly pleasant thoughts you have, so that they don’t lead you down dangerous paths.

It leaves me feeling like…what the fuck is the point? Of any of this. If this is my life now…why bother? I’m trying to tell myself that it can get better, that these parts of my brain will balance out over time. But right now I don’t really believe that. I feel like those parts of me will always be there, demanding action. And the idea of spending years fighting them, rather than numbing, ending, or giving in to them is just exhausting. It just makes me want to stop.