Why do you still hurt me

You were there, in my life, and it hurt with you there, but then it didn’t, and I was happy. but then you dropped out of my life. and it was okay, it was for the best. And I was fine. Perfectly fine with you not being here. But I see things and people. Things and people who look like you, remind me of you. How you felt, how you tasted, how you made me feel. And I get sad. My heart is still hurting because of you. But I never realized it hurt until now. Why were you here. Why were you in my life. It only brought me pain. Why did I ever meet you. You changed my world so much. You were my first for a lot. We barely talked, I didn’t know you, but you had a huge effect on how my life turned out to be now. And here I am. Crying over the fact that I haven’t seen you in 2 months. That I won’t see you again. It’s not likely we will run into each other. I fucked everything up. I could’ve had you right now. But I made multiple mistakes. I was such and idiot. I’m young and stupid and didn’t know what to say. So I pushed, pushed too far. And after I pushed I tried to pull you back. And it worked. For a little bit. And then you realized I couldn’t make up my mind. So you left. You left without telling me. Stopped responding, refused to acknowledge me. And god do I miss you. You weren’t mine and I was just stupid, I still am. I shouldn’t miss you. You were bad for me. Everyone told me so. But god do I miss you. I just want you back. But it won’t work. I just need to forget. I hate you and all you did. I hate you so much it hurts and only you can make me better.