I went back to my home town. The horror-ed house and the damned “friends”.
I feel like I have to run away. This semester break is short, so I don’t have to worry about being here for long. But….. to be fair? Those aren’t my friends. Those are kids who ditched their friend in great need. I have had flash backs since I got back to here.
I feel like I have to run, run far.
People talk about suicidal experience – which is good, but they forgot to tell you all about the “before” time. The time they stood on the edge. How it feels? it feels cold. I have been hustled far away from my (ex?) friends… I feel like an outcast, the old an’ sick member of the group. I feel unpleasant by them.
Perhaps I should forgive…. Perhaps I should have lay of this warrior mask, and this outfit. I should put aside my ego, tell them the story that was hidden long ago, and come clean. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to relive my life.
My life stopped 4 years ago, when the REAL SHIT began happening. I was already shattered and cracked, had my own problems, but then it was a living nightmare.
I began re living my life when I got to uni, about an year ago. Why do I need my friends here if they don’t count me in? Why do I need them if they are such autistic centered maniacs with low self esteem?
I’m not ranting about the friends as friends. I’m bringing you the bigger picture. The reason someone wants to die even when he has friends and loving blablabla…. It is because they lack the empathy. It is because IT IS HARD TO SHOUT FOR HELP. Especially when you are mentally strong. Especially when you are the one who friends go to for help.
I’ve been pushed a-side, it is fine. But friends have forgotten me, they left me there. I can’t blame them because I didn’t enough signs of trauma and needs. But I do feel angry at them!!!
They tell you to keep on living. They tell you to not kill yourself. They tell you there are reasons. BUT I HAVE MET NO ONE WHO SAYS A SOLUTION.
I’m not suicidal anymore. I’m just a dead man walking.
I’m not me anymore, I’m just a part of the puzzle.
I’m not happy anymore, I’m just smiling. I’m not feeling anymore, I’m just crying.
I feel so uncomfortable next to those who ditched me. But they don’t know…. they never know what I went through.
I want to say that I have the answers, that I see the bright side. That I feel alive and I have survived. I want to be optimistic and enlighten your mind with ideas and happiness!
but… I just fail to do so.
Will this feeling go away? Will there always be a trigger?
Be brave, stay wild, Yours Jac